Saturday, 24 October 2009

What sort of day did you have?

My mother called me a couple of nights ago to say goodnight and have a brief chat. She does this quite often, which is nice, except when it's late and I'm asleep. Anyway, I don't quite know what came over me but our conversation took a testy turn:

“What sort of day did you have?” she asked

“Bloody marvellous,” I yawned sarcastically. “I got up, had a shower, popped into town to do a bit of shopping and then had a session in the gym, although I found the treadmill was a real bugger. Then I finished off with a swim and a sauna. Afterwards I had fish and chips for lunch before I caught the bus back to the hospital because I decided I'd done enough exercise for one day.”

“Don't be stupid!” she snapped. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

“No, of course I bloody didn’t! What sort of day do you think I had tied to a bed with a 20kg weight dangling from the end of my leg!”

“There's no need to be like that," she barked. "What sort of day did you really have?”

Perhaps it was the drugs or maybe I it was a severe case of cabin fever, but I decided to tell her exactly what sort of day I’d really had – minute by minute.

“Well, if you really want to know," I said. 'Eric the night nurse woke me up at six o'clock with my tablets and pulled back the curtains so I could see the brick wall as the dawn broke and HE took away my full pee bottle. Then I listened to the radio until around seven o'clock when the Health Care Assistant brought my breakfast tray of cereal, thin white toast. cheap sunflower spread, economy marmalade and lukewarm tea.

“After breakfast I felt at bit tired so I napped for an hour or two before being woken up by the nurse and HCA. They gave me a plastic bowl of warm water and told me to get on with washing myself. They asked if I wanted to clean my teeth with some mouthwash? 'Yes please,' I replied, but they still managed to bring me an empty plastic cup without any mouthwash in it.

“After a doing a passable impression of a cat washing itself and cleaning all the parts of my body that I could comfortably reach, I rang the buzzer for the HCA to come and finish me off and change my bedlinen.

“Ten minutes later, after some very painful acrobatic manoeuvres involving my monkey pole, they managed to change my bedsheets. I hardly had time to get comfy before a nice Slovakian girl came round with a mug of coffee which I drank while reading the newspapers on the internet. I ended up nodding off until a junior doctor popped his head round the door and woke me up to ask if I was sleeping any better.

“Lunch arrived at midday with more painkillers. I set about photographing the food so I could post it on my blog. It didn’t take me long to eat the food as it was truly inedible. After drinking a mug of tea I finished watching Loose Women on TV and then settled down for a snooze, but not before setting my alarm clock for The Alan Titchmarsh Show and Dickinson’s Real Deal.

"I'd just finished watching David Dickinson when it was time for supper. The tray arrived and I spent longer photographing the food than I did in trying to force any of it down my throat. Then the time just whizzed by until the nurse came round with the final hot drink of the day. After that it was 'lights out' so I cleaned my teeth and bedded myself down as comfortably as I could. I’d just managed to doze off when my mobile rang and it was you asking me what sort of day I’d had!"

"So... did you have a nice day?"


  1. sounds like you are kept busy busy busy ,i do feel for you tho , i imagine all your daysa are the same , day in day out , so let me tell you about my day .

    my youngest son chris and i decided to go to a local theme park for the halloween festivities ,unfortunetly for me , i ate my way thru the park . i started with a nice roler coaster and a large dr pepper .then off to the corndogs and tilt a whirl. not a good combo , trust me .then we went off to the psycho circus and funnel cake , and more soda . lots more soda .gone to the big cat show where they make tigers do treicks and then a nice big bbowl of ice cream , and more soda .

    went thru several nmore rides and decided to stop for some chili cheese fries .definetly not a good idea .not at all . nope .

    at this point i am managing to fit in with the ghouls and goblins cause my face was just as green as theirs were .

    at 930 pm , i found myself blissfully aware of the fact the park was going to close at 10pm and we started making out way forward , while nibbling on fudge, another not so bright decision , when my son chris decided i need to be ont he tilt a whirl again. can anyone see where this is going???? yeah , on the tilt a whirl with my over full self .by the grace of G od i managed not to hurl all the before mentioned goodies onto the other riders . i just got home 30 minutes ago and and my stomach id flipping and whirl;ing and i know for a fact that i am going to hurl , its just a matter of when . i am going to be miserable tonight.

    and thats what my day was like .

    rhonda , usa

  2. Hey Traction Man,

    Is that really you in the pic????

    If its any consolation, you have some loyal readers that faithfully read your blog every day . I hope you continue even when you are sprung from the hospital ... you are a brilliant writer .

    Moira (Canada)

    P.S I am so sorry you are having a rough time ...

  3. THat is indeed me in the picture in my room. This has been my world for the past eight weeks. It's not so bad and the blog is a great joy to me, I just love hearing from you and writing for you. That's what keeps me going.

  4. When I was just 15 years old I went to a fun fair with a friend. Being very naughty I'd had a few beers and a cornish pasty before. I too went of the tilt and whirl. Unlike you I failed to hold on to the contents of my stomach. The centrifugal (or was it centripetal) force caused the projectile vomit to coat the rest of the passengers on the ride with semi-digested beers and pasty. I still feel guilty abut this fact some 30 years on. I've never told anyone this before so I'd appreciate it if we kept it strictly between us. Thanks.

  5. Well I haven't has my day yet, but it is my birthday and the plan wa to go out for the day and have lunch at a really nice restaurant weknow. However, we can't go as our neighbour has to go and look after her grandson and so I have to look after her aged parents and her dog who is ill. It is raining, we need the rain badly but during the night would have been ok. Oh and I've just found mouse droppings in the cupboard under the sink, so have just been disinfecting and throwing out things from there. With luck my husband might make me a panino BUT last time he did it was rather ermmm "scorched" so I suspect I will be on kitchen duty today. Oh and the door spring went on the oven yesterday so I can only use the hob until Tuesday when the part arrives and that nice little man comes back to put the door back on. Oh yes and the car kept displaying a flashing light at me yesterday on the way back from the dentist.

    The day can only get better as I am not in traction and can make myself a drink and something to eat - oohps forgot to get some coffee yesterday! Senility is here thank God.

    Keep up the good work TM, don't get too comfy you might be chucked with luck.

    Take care, Kitty

  6. LOL..... is the tilt 'n' ride another name for the octopus ride? If it is it has a lot to answer for. I remember about36 years ago when a friend and I boarded the 'pod' on the end of the 'arm'. He's just finished off a bottle of cherry pop (or soda for our friends across the pond). Well I'll not bore you with the gory details needless to say I can still taste that regurgitated cherry flavour :-).

    Commenting on what days have been like .... I've just had a WEEKUS HORRIBILIS (not good at Latin :-) ) but I'll save that for another time. My day? Got up, washed the pots from the last meal yesterday, had poached egg 'n' toast sandwich with my son washed down with a cup o' nettle tea. Smurfed the net - usual stuff facebook etc (sorry didn't manage to check your blog thoroughly but will catch up later). help the missus out a little with her packing. Loaded the car - met the mother-in-law & sister-in-law at a pub for some lunch before taking them to the local airport for their break in spain. Called in town for an oil filter and oil. Changed said items in my car when I got home. Made a big pan o' bolognaise sauce with the reduced mince the wife had bought the day before. had a shower. boiled pasta, served dinner, changed and went to a local pub for a couple o' pints an' to watch my team get thrashed on Sky by Watford FC (and we started so well :-) ). Went home had a mars bar to console myself. watch a little Tv - more facebook on t' PC. Went to bed and this morning my knee feels like it's got your pin through it!! (next time I'll take the car to a garage :-) ). Cheer up me ol' mucker!


  7. Let's have a competition to see who's had the most boring ordisastrous day. Amuse me!

  8. Nothing amusing about correcting 73 Year 11 Ethics papers - but it IS boring.

  9. Can't believe that you set your clock for Dickinson's Real Deal and Titchmarsh! Oh dear. It's bad isn't it?

    Can you get any of your friends to post you some DVDs? I assume you'd be able to play them on your pc? Talking books are great too.

    Will you be out for Christmas?

  10. Daytime TV is a well-known side effect of long term hospitalisation and unemployment. Anyway, what's wrong with David Dickinson? Charming chap. Quite like Flog It and Crap in The Attic but draw the line at Car Booty!

  11. Anon: I'll swap you the Ethics papers for the mangled English my students produce...... when they work at home with ther dictionaries I waste a considerable time trying to work out which word they looked up to produce the horror that they then wrote down.
    Example: she is loud speaker
    (the picture showed a shotgun wedding.......)

    any ideas?

    well in French the adjective for pregnant is "enceinte" but the noun "une enceinte" is a synonom for an "haut parleur": yup, a loud speaker.

    In the past I've had ozone nappies ("couche" = diaper / layer)and multitude of other dire examples caused either by their inabiity to write their own language correctly (they look up a homophone) or to choose the correct word from the options in the dictionary - they don't read the small print which gives the context.
    School holidays today here too- but I've still got plenty of marking to do.

    Hope your day is as good as possible, TM, and that visitors bring culinary delights,


    verification word is a rude one in French - think it must apply to my students: con all

  12. Oh TM, I understand your pain on daytime TV issues - I am long-term sick - but at home.

    I confess I am now addicted to 'All Creatures Great and Small' on 'yesterday' in the afternoons - and have been known to sit and blub over a poorly sheep.


    p.s. Happy Birthday Kitty - it's mine too today

  13. OK. My day on Friday was, well, boring!
    I got up, got 3 kids and a hubby out for school and work. Then I sat at the puter answering emails etc before actually having to do some work!!! Then I had housework to do, again, very boring when it involves cleaning the loo and tidying up after 3 kids and a hubby!
    Kids home from school. Listen to their day. Get tea sorted out. Feed all. Get 2 kids off to theatre reheasals. Find the venue has moved at the last minute. So drive further!
    Spend time with other child. Try to sort him out so he stays well after doing PE at school for the first time in weeks.
    Oh yes! And take a call from his paediatrician letting me know she has arranged an urgent appointment with a specialist in the Kids Hospital in the city for Thurday coming. So, panic and relief mix with the usual hum drum feelings etc of being a stay at home but self employed working mother!

    NOthing competes with being stuck on traction tho. I think you will always have a more boring day than any of us out in the 'real' world! But, I hope a small insignt in to the days of others helps.

  14. Sorry to be such a disappointment, but I had great fun. Got kicked seven ways to buggery by a tenor who hasn't quite mastered the can-can steps yet (but he did apologise and offer to kiss the bruises better...), and ended up at one point with every single cast member in crying hysterics. Plus infinitely funny costume fitting, frustrated quest for chicken wire (not stocked in all German DIY superstores, for future ref) and complete, if sweaty, ashtanga sequence. You may hate me now ;-)

  15. How can you see that TV from your bed? If you were 70 stones you would get far better facilities - plus your carers would bring you all the food you wanted.

  16. That's a very wide angle motage made
    from many shots. That's why it looks off

  17. You're better off in bed today - it's miserable here. It's definitely baby weather - wet and windy.

    I assume since you've put your picture up, you've abandoned all pretence at secrecy.

    Finally - do you really want me to tell you what's wrong with David Dickinson? How long have you got? Oh, all day, now I come to think about it.

  18. I don't think anyone can recognise me from that tiny photo, do you?

  19. "Woke up, got out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head..." Well no, that ceased years back when the receding tide had to be disguised with a close crop. Listened to sound of cat being sick on the landing. Forgot about cat having been sick on the landing and trod in it barefoot. Back to bathroom. Easing past residual cat sick, funnily enough didn't fancy any breakfast. Looked at post from a distance. All clearly bills so left well alone. Limped - with coffee - out to office (converted garage - ultimate 'bloke shed'). Took heed of nagging pain in leg, decided not to sit at computer doing stuff, but headed for sofa as per GP instructions. (Day Six of same.) Considered of course doing some work, decided latest P. D. James just had to be finished instead. Good book, but soon asleep. Wake for lunch - not taken - with pounding head signalling an imminent migraine. Migraine duly arrives, so pills taken - more coffee - and continue with sofa. Wake with a start wondering if it's my turn to pick up daughter from work. Decide it isn't and hobble over to computer to check emails. None of any interest whatsoever. Break out in severe cabin fever and decide to sod GP instruction. Must get out into the world, while we still remember each other. Then consider impact of not showering for past week - more GP instructions - and decide to do world big favour by keeping away. More sofa, read, dose cycle 'til family re-assembles in the evening. Enjoy tolerable TV dinner then get quite cross at Dimblebore making a hash of chairing QT. (What was he thinking of?) Too riled for bed, so back to sofa. Notice handy bottle of red close to hand. Midnight chimes, the wine flows. Wake around 4.00 a.m. with different pounding head and hobble up to bed. Cat lying smug and purring on my pillow. So it goes.

  20. My husband has a bad cold. It can't be 'man flu' as he had a flu jab a couple of weeks ago. About 4am I got woken up by an elephant, then realised he was blowing his nose (husband, not elephant).
    This morning I went out early to get some day nurse etc. plus some shopping. Did some laundry. About to go out again with daughter for eye test (hers) and another glaucoma test (mine) which will probably show eye pressure too high and therefore a referral.
    Then there is more laundry to look forward to which all needs to be ready for Sunday. In between I'll try to tidy the kitchen, catch wet cats to dry them off before they wreak havoc, and get some dinner on although husband not hungry.
    I will have a very large drink when watching the X-Factor (OK, you need that in any case).

    Thanks for the picture montage of your world for the past eight weeks. Take care

  21. ah you poor bugger!! Every time i read this I wonder how you manage to stay sane....I had what i would consider an average day - coffee brought to me in bed by my lovely man, read my book while the cat tried to annoy me, had a nice bit of sourdough toast for brekkie, read the paper adn did the cryptic crossword (well I tried to!), did some shopping, went out for yum cha for lunch, pottered around my garden (the tomatoes are starting) and am now sipping a lovely Margaret River chardonnay while waiting for dinner to finish cooking and ignoring the fact that somoene needs to vacuum the floor (it sure as hell isn't going to be me)...however, when I consider your predicament, I reckon that was a pretty bloody good day.

    I reckon one hissy fit in many weeks of traction is more than understandable and easily forgiveable....get better soon!

  22. I had it in my head that you were in a 4-bed room, but from the looks of that photo it seems like you're all on your lonesome! Where's the lady that you can hear sometimes? I thought she was in the next bed over?

    If your hospital's in the Yorkshire area I'd gladly make you a birthday cake and bring it in to you on the 31st! Can't have another crap day with just doctors for company.

  23. Thanks Natalie. I'm way down south from Yorshire but thank you so much for the kind offer. I'm in a room on my own (which is how I like it) and the old woman in the next room has been packed off to a nursing home along with her imaginary cats. That's why I'm sleeping better.

  24. It's good to be able to see the whole you TM! Hang in're on the home stretch x

    Birthday greetings to Nella and Kitty. Enjoy your day ladies.

    My Day : woke at 7.45am..... panic!!!! Work starts at 8am and it's a 20 minute drive flat stick... Managed to brush teeth, wash hair and clean bodyparts simultaneously in the shower... Hopped out of shower and found yesterdays discarded clothing in wrinkled pile on floor... took wrinkled pile of clothing to the loo. Sat on loo dressing whilst accomplishing rapid morning ablutions..flew out the loo, grab a banana ( breakfast) car keys..but could not locate work boots. Searched house high and low for any form of footwear.... no avail...considered going to work in socks....rechecked all rooms for workboots... no luck. Decided socks will have to do. Left house.. slammed door... nearly trip over workboots on front mat..... Swear at boots..... Put boots on..... Once in car remember why boots were on veranda. Dog poo on boots...... Out the car to the hose. Dog poo has solidified overnight. Locate big stick. Pry solidified dog poo with big stick from tread in workbooks. Hosed down boots, managed to hose most of my right leg as well. Drove safely but extremly fast to work.... greeted by long queue of customers not so patiently waiting....opened door to a ringing phone. Spent the day trying to beat the clock to get orders done in time whilst trying to juggle the seemingly endless queue of customers with a phone that just won't stop ringing. That was my day..although after a few Sav Blancs it doesn't seem quite so bad.
    Kerry from Oz

  25. It's 11:16pm. 38 Ethics essays to go but slowed down thanks to a good red ...

    Thanks TM. I admit to checking the blog every 5 papers or so which is part of the problem. One day I will tell you how much you have put my problems in perspective.

  26. Peter Palladas said... "that lot up there ^"

    Peter, didn't the doctor advise against coffee? Migraines 'n' all that?


  27. I used to sleep all day - only had telly when the nurses wheeled us (me and a 16 yr old) down to the telly room for Saturday night TV (here Kitty Kitty with Bruce Forstythe (sp)) and 20 fags. Think yourself lucky!!!

  28. I am so glad they give you painkillers with your lunch. The thought of trying to get it down your neck without them is unbearable!


  29. Awwwww mothers... dont they just know when to say the right thing.... bless her TM

  30. Thanks Nella and Kerry for the birthday wishes. The day wasn't as bad as I envisaged it was a hoot. The old lady next door brought me round a birthday card that said happy new year - because she didn't know how old I was! The mouse decided to come out and check on his new home and actually ran straight past the two dogs who did bugger all, I don't think they even knew he was visiting; it was either that or they were unable to take their minds off the fact that I was going to feed them. My darling husband made his own lunch and I made dinner he then asked where the salad was. My mother rang to tell me all about her week, who she thought was thick, how the busses blobbed, who thought she was pretty (that one nearly choked me and my husband is still wandering round saying "pretty - your mother! Pretty bloody awful more like." She rang back an hour later to wish me a happy birthday as she had forgotten and then launched into a complaint about the neighbour parking in front of her house (she doesn't drive and hasn't got a car). Oh and I tried to do some ironing but only did half and hid the other half from sight in the spare room. Roll on Monday when I get back to work and normality(ish). Come on TM what are we planning for your day - have you booked the catering team yet? Who is contacting the abbatoir?

    Take care, Kitty

  31. Sound like my mum...perhaps it was and she got the wrong number. Wouldn't put it past her.

    Another thing my mum does on the phone, is shout down it. When she speaks to her grandchildren, we can here her word for word across the other side of the room. I have, on more than one occasion picked up the extension and told my mum it would be much cheaper if she just stuck her head out of the window.

  32. I really don't blame you for a slight sarcastic turn, how you are even still in your right mind is beyond me. Do you shout at Loose Women? I only see it occasionally but always end up shouting abuse and obscenities at the screen ...

  33. I always end up shouting at that Carol McMuffin women. Daft witch!

  34. In that case you have proven beyond all doubt that you are sane :)