Monday 28 September 2009

Sex and orgies could fund the NHS


This weekend an article in The Sunday Times fired up my imagination and gave me a novel idea for solving any shortfalls in the NHS budget over the coming years as we struggle to get our country’s finances back in the black.

It appears that a number of stately homes and country houses are turning to the sex market to help cover their... er… bills. Apparently, renting your castle out for a porn film shoot can pull in a handy £5000 a time, which is probably enough to help plug that leak in the east wing and still leave one with change left over to replace a tired gargoyle with something that has a more effective spurt.

Now I know what you’re thinking; that’s a million miles away from the atmosphere of your average hospital, but surely there must be a germ of an idea here. The orthopaedic ward may not be a suitable set for a gothic bodice-ripping movie, but how about a sex and drugs party at the weekend?

Emma Sayle, is the owner of Killing Kittens, a club for what she calls the “sexually elite”. Her guests are electrified by the thought of orgying under gilt chandeliers, or in front of “vast marble fireplaces” and enjoy seeing naked bodies slinking around in faded Georgian splendour. “It sounds weird,” says a 29-year-old regular, “but I like to think how many people have had sex in these huge rooms before me — even hundreds of years ago.”

Now imagine the same sort of thing if all the guests were allowed to dress up in theatre scrubs or nurses uniforms and have full use of the operating theatre, the traction beds, or even the slabs in the pathology morgue. Now do you get my drift?

All those people who find ER and Gray’s Anatomy get their pulses pumping that little bit faster would absolutely love it. Stir in the temptation of a drug cabinet stuffed full of opiates and assorted stimulants and we’re talking about one hell of a racy party. Hey… we could even open up the hospital pharmacy for a Supermarket Sweep for those willing to pay extra.

Dungeon breaks are also a popular part of this new trend in stately home finance and involve dungeons being kitted out with the very latest S&M paraphernalia for cruel sex. Now I know your average NHS hospital probably doesn’t have a dungeon, but who’s to say that fitting a few chains and racks in the kitchens wouldn’t achieve the same effect? Plus there’s the excitement and the thought of all those patients who are going to suffer later eating the cruel food produced in the very same place in which one’s had a major bondage session.

I realize there might be a few hygiene issues with this last suggestion but I’m sure someone could give the kitchen a clean before the couples got down to their whipping and beating.

24 comments:

  1. Traction Man,

    I am pretty sure such things happen on a regular basis in many Frat houses here in the U.S. Either as parties or as hazing rituals.

    Personally I could never participate in such goings on as I am a Southerner and the thought of writing all those "thank you" notes just exhausts me.

    Paula

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  2. "Now I know your average NHS hospital probably doesn’t have a dungeon..."

    You'd better hope not!

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  3. Ah but they have basements with all those little rooms leading off the main corridor. I also think the docs and nurses already make adequate use of them in the average hospital............

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  4. I love the "help eradicate extreme povety and hunger" ad. Most fitting!

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  5. Re you sure doctors and nurses engage in carnal relations? What about workplace professionalism? I think you're wrong.

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  6. Workplace professionalism? Don't make me laugh!

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  7. TM, I'm prepared to go along with most of your ideas but I'm damned sure that Hattie Jacques is supposed to appear in this somewhere and as she's dead I'm scared about who would replace her, if you say Angela Merkel then I'm off to the vet for help.
    As for the dungeon bit, don't they have boiler rooms a bit like something from a subamarine?
    Keep smiling, Zoe

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  8. You know, there's *nothing* in this post, simply nothing, to suggest it may have been written by a man immobilised for several months on his back, full of drugs and awake at an ungodly hour of the morning...

    Keep the ideas coming!

    PS I'm sure you're right about all those upright doctors and nurses.

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  9. Too much time on my hands and rather too fertile imagination. Going into the fifth week in this room with only a brick wall to look at. It can do terrible things to a man. Thank goodness I have my food to look forward to!

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  10. I'm sure you would get plenty of punters, but what about other ideas? Windfarms on the roof plugged into the grid? Hospital channel on the TV doing reruns of old sitcoms with lots of advertising, maybe 24hr shopping channels?

    What about direct debit options - like how bad do you want the Nurse to attend. Could be an online auction system!

    Cheers and love your blog - Jimmy D from Australia

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  11. Good morning TM.

    Little story for you from the weekend - went to BBQ party - the host is a dietician for the NHS so I mentioned your Blog - not as a criticism to her/her hospital or her work - just conversation - whew, nearly got head bitten off! "Nutritionally acceptable, just because patient is bored after weeks of 'same kind of food'". Whoops!

    Best wishes and greetings from grey London!
    Cats Mother

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  12. @Cats Mother - those nutrionists' skins aren't as thick as the one on our custard here. To be honest, I'd never accept an invite to a dinner party held by a nutritionist or dietician. None of them look or sound like they enjoy food. It's just fuel to them rather than one of life's pleasures. Was it a vegetarian BBQ?

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  13. Dear TM

    No not veggie but as I don't eat meat, I was given an extremely unappetising piece of salmon. The dietician had also "forgotten" that another guest had extreme wheat and egg allergies.

    Their cat looked well though!

    Cats Mother

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  14. "Bored because of weeks of the same type of food"?????
    So what does that tell you?

    It says that those who plan it all out know exactly what is going on.It also says they are aware of the nutritional status of the food and her reaction was classic of someone who didnt want attention focused on them as their guilt might show.

    The truth is unfolding and so maybe there will be changes.

    Heavens, if you had weeks of nutritionally sound food then you wouldnt need weeks of being in the hospital.
    Light,Love and Healing to you

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  15. Did you notice your other recent press mentions TM ..

    http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=MWZmZGVkODMwYjg4NjlmY2FmYjVhY2JjMmJkNDEwZTI=

    Lansdowner

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  16. Another press item here ...

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2009/sep/26/notes-from-hospital-bed-review

    Lansdowner

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  17. Thanks for those. I guess that's my 15 minutes of fame. I should have kept a scrap book :-)

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  18. The grammatical ambiguity of 'Killing Kittens' has me anxious.

    Gerund or participle, the distinction matters.

    Are these then sex fiends who slaughter young cats for erotic pleasure - one prays not - or kittenish babes who can kill with one look?

    I would check their website for confirmation, only I'm too busy training to be 'sexually elite.'

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  19. I think you've been on the hand gel. :-)

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  20. We call it Hospital Hooch on Ward F. Cheers!

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  21. Tractor Man, after reflecting on the words of the oh so wise dietician I must conclude, you are a brazen hedonist. No, do not deny it!!! You admit with unashamed candor that you think food is supposed to give you pleasure. That it should go beyond being nutrionally acceptable.

    Sir I must admonish you!! That is not right thinking for the drones on ward C. There you are lollygagging the day away while the erstwhile servants of the State Nutrtional Gulag put forth their knowledge on your behalf. Do you think they took class after class in "advanced pea cookery" or interned in those Soviet prison kitchens for the pleasure of it?

    No! They did it so they could provide you with nutrionally acceptable food,down to the last milligram of selenium. So trust your betters in this.

    Nutrition is their watchword. Tasty food will just lead you astray. Without their guidance you will become of victim of your own unbridled palate lust and seek out damask walled bistros serving calorie laden sauces, undercooked meats, green flirty fresh vegetables and blatantly alluring desserts. Sure its wonderful for that dizzying hour or so. But they never, ever call you in the morning. So why cheapen yourself?

    Paula

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  22. You're right, Paula. I should listen to my betters. Nanny knows best.

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  23. Peter Palladas:

    Re Killing Kittens:

    Apparently, populist myth has it that every time a woman ‘sins’ by pleasuring herself, God, in retribution, kills a kitten. Overtime, ‘Killing Kittens’ has become a colloquialism for female masturbation.

    Or so the feline-hating heathens at Killing Kittens would have us believe...

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  24. Dear TM,

    Now you're going in the wrong direction. Keep innocent and we'll keep reading. thanks!

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