Come dine with me

Life in hospital is hard and lonely. Once you’ve counted the bricks on the wall outside the window and watched the 1500th episode of Crap in the Attic, you really do begin to crave the company of other beings. And one thing I really miss is a convivial dinner party with gourmet food, sumptuous Australian wine and the chance to experience sparkling conversation and witty repartee with my fellow diners.

Then an idea came to me like a little low-energy light bulb slowly flickering into a dull glow above my head. Why not hold my own dinner party here and invite some people round to break bread with? I could get the hospital to do the catering and ask the guests to bring the wine. But whom should I invite? I decided to draw up a list.

Osama bin Laden

The world’s number one bad boy hasn’t been captured yet despite most of the American military trying to flush him out of his cave somewhere in Tora Bora. The threat of having to come and eat some of the food I’m currently being offered just might be enough to make him give himself up. Failing that we could always drop some Crofter’s Hotpot on his hideaway using a drone aircraft.

George Bush

Dear old Georgie got us into this mess at the moment and some people are calling for him to be tried as a war criminal. A more fitting punishment would be a portion of the hospital’s Quorn and Pasta Hotpot. I’ll ask him to bring a friend… if he’s got any.

Michael O’Leary

The unbearable boss of RyanAir would not ordinarily be welcome at my supper table but I’m willing to make an exception. I wouldn’t charge him for the food of course… but I’d make the bugger pay for his knife, fork, spoon, plate, glass, pepper, salt and serviette. Plus I’d charge him for replying to the invitation which I’ll only allow him do online.

Andy Burnham

The Secretary of State for Health has to be invited out of courtesy. Since he and his department claim that most people are satisfied with their hospital food I shall expect him to stay until he’s cleared his plate of Mushroom Stroganoff and had seconds.

Cherie Blair

Why not?

Harriet Harman

No explanation required.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – President of Iran

If hospital food doesn’t wipe that ever-present grin off his face then nothing can! Incidentally, the halal menu is better than the main menu.

Gordon Brown

I’d have to invite Gordon because everyone is so beastly to him. A nice wholesome supper of Harvest Pie should cheer our Prime Minister up and hopefully force an early election when he’s taken seriously ill with food poisoning.

Well, those are my dinner guests. I would have liked a few more ladies in there but couldn’t think of too many who were deserving of such punishment. Let me know who your guests would be and why. Who knows? I could add them to my list.

UPDATE: Just thought of a few more women: Hazel Blears, Patricia Hewitt, Kirsty Wark, Kerry Katona. Please help me out with more. And no... I won't put Mrs Thatcher on there as she's too old and no one over the age of 80 (even if it were Hitler) deserves hospital food like this.