The bit on the right would appear to be goose droppings. The bit on the left resembles what the city folk affectionately call "pavement pizza". I'm glad you didn't eat it, you mightn't still be here to write about it if you had.
Hi TM, just heard about your blog. Very informative! Maybe you should ask for a transfer to a German hospital. I was hospitalised for 3 weeks a couple of years ago (I live in Hannover), and the meals and standard of care were extremely good! And I'm not a private patient either!As to your 'plat du jour', I would surmise it as being comprised of Solanum tuberosum and Pisum sativum (spuds 'n' peas), although the Pisum sativum could in fact be mouldy rabbit droppings!Actually, the sauce-smothered something resembles a dish that I got to know whilst in the USA, labelled "truck-wreck" - you just couldn't tell what was underneath the copious amounts of sauce, just as at the scene of a car accident, where one doesn't know what's going to be found underneath the tangled metal!Keep your chin up, old chap!Best wishes for a speedy recovery!
Over-cooked peas, potatoes in sick?
Although I must admit that I read about you in the Daily Pendant, I feel I may have to stick with you til recovery.Pavement pizza sums it up perfectly for the slop on the left. Is that pineapple in it?xx
Oh my that really looks disgusting!! I read about your blog this morning and had to come take a look, you are very entertaining for someone who has been subjected to some awful stuff for so many months!!!I hope you recover soon, until then I will be following your blog!
Traction Man... Ive just read bout your blog i felt compelled to see the rest... im sorry you are tied up at the mo but if it helps you made me laff out loud mate.
Bloody Brilliant traction man!! however I am even more petrified of going into hospital than ever now! :) Wishing you speedy recovery, keep up the hilarious blog x
OMG - my cat threw up something similar yesterday morning!!
Is it some weird mutated potatoe that looks like chicken with peas on the side.:OAnyway glad you didnt eat it:)and hope you get better soon!!
I have to say it really looks like the cook .... has munched on some cauliflower cheese and thrown it back up a couple of hours and landed on your plate..... however the peas do look very green though that may be because they have been nuked in a microwave of some sorts......
Hmm ... looks like peas....and ??????
Microwaved frozen peas, some kind of sauted potatoes in a cream and processed ham based sauce.All cooked by an utterly sadistic c*** obviously.
Absolutely no idea what it is however puke and peas is what it looks like!Read about your blog in the Daily Mail today and just had to come and visit as the catering survey had me in absolute stitches. I have done 11 weeks myself in hospital in Tenerife (total bed rest) so understand the boredom. The food was no better either but at least I didn't have to put up with endless surveys. Keep smiling and making us smile, all the best, Linda, Tenerife
It looks like Chicken Supreme with peas to me, but that is after a long hard look at the picture and i would defo not eat it either, it looks dreadful!!!!!Chin up and get someone to sneak you in some good home cooked food
I'm tempted to say that the foodstuff on the left may at one time have been chicken a la king, however, it now appears to have abdicated. I recall being subjected to similar cuisine served at a hospital just across the river from the Houses of Parliament - I was admitted suffering from severe stomach cramps - they never did cure me!
brilliant ... so sorry that you are poorly and hope you get better soon but I have to say this is the funniest thing I have read in ages!!!
Well, well, how interesting. This looks like pasta shells in a mustard and cheese sauce regurgitated (sicked up for the igno's)a few times. I thought here in Greece the food served in hospital was foul but this takes the biscuit in fact I think you should buy a packet of Mc. Vitties for the duration!! Get well soon........
Greetings from Dominican Republic. I saw your story on the Daily Mail, and got curious. Funny and interesting, specially the meal part. I think you have a marvellous sense of humor and I do wish you a full recovery. As for the meal depicted in the photo, I think "truck wreck" and "pavement pizza" are appropiate names.
Greetings and condolences from Poland. Eventually found your blog after reading in the Telegraph about your predicament. I'll take a guess that chicken is involved in the title of the left-hand pile. I can thoroughly empathise with you - my wife was in hospital here for much of a difficult pregnancy and daily visits by my in-laws and myself were necessary to keep her going as the food was truly untouchable.
I know its vegetable moussaka...because I was served it yesterday too. I reckon I may just be in the same hospital as you as also got the "sausage casserole" last night.Get Well Soon xxx
obviously it's quorn korma lol
Keep up the good work of highlighting how scandalously overcooked and nutritionless hospital food really is. Prisoners really do get better food than this ... (and don't forget they are not recovering from major surgery).
Chicken a la King? Coronation Chicken? I thought these meals were normal quality for British food? No?(kidding) Sympathies, extended from Canada
bleurgh, it looks like something that has already passed through the digestive tract! can't you call out for a take-away?!
Hi, I was in the same boat as you ( well nearly) I was in the Royal free hospital for 9 months in 2000 and it was exactly as you described, I laughed my head off reading your blog, mainly because it is exactly as you describe. I had some paralisis type rare illness that made me totally reliant on nurses and know what goes on . It looks like things just don't change after 9 years. I am still a bit disabled as I rely on crutches now and my hands have never fully recovered . I know all about DWP it's a constant stuggle to get anything , well I get it now but who knows for how long with all of Gordies Debt to be repaid. Give me an email sometime on firstname.lastname@example.org . regards Steve Cole , Hitchin Hertfordshire.
Hi boss man, if you are too badly bored may I commend the goodfolk at madhatters who provide intelligent distraction for most of the 24 hours in a day.http://madhatters.me.uk/Say Dave sent you, it won't help but they'll know who to blame.dave retired hospital doctor and survivor of NHS treatments up the yingyang.
Well my dogs dinners are certainly above this - I shall show him the photo just so that he can see the next time he turns his nose up at it!We certainly have some jokers in this country - and your chefs are amongst them.......
Hmmm well the obvious on the right side of the plate overly cooked peas in a faux butter sauce and on the left hmmm "fried" potatoes covered with what we in the US lovingly call "Sh*t on a shingle" - creamed chip beef in a cream sauce...out of a can you know. So therefore the beef can be mystery beef meat.
Your article is hilarious! Thank You! I shared it with Bibibird at Ustream and the chatters loved it!BTW,Bibi is a great talking therapy parrot for lots of ill peeps stuck at home. She is also very funny.Texas
Here's a thing. There you are stuck, without the ability to get to McDonalds. I am assuming you have friends..family? Ever throught of a food parcel. Anything has to be better than that - what ever it is.
Mostly peas (identifiable by shape and colour, but may well be mini musket balls masquerading as same), the mainly whitish substance containing lumps I would identify as some sort of supreme (Chicken?) which appears to have the consistency of wallpaper paste. Even in the fine Cordon Noir tradition of my family, that rather takes the biscuit.
Is this substance provided a ploy to try and kill us all off? Great blog, I am not addicted. Hang in there and I am now off to www.bupa.co.uk......
I know the answer !!!!!!!Reduce-Reuse-Recycle.When people find themselves with a spare tyre or two they will often opt for "reducing" the problem...aka...Liposuction. The fatty jellied gross stuff is sucked out via a tube and stored in very clean tubs according to the health n safety regulations. It is then "reused" in the hospital canteens. With a dash of salt, pepper and an unidentified vegetable thrown in for good measure you then have the slop that you have featured in todays blog. The recycling , well it's a bit of the ole' toilet-treatment-plants-river-ocean-rain-farming and then back to you being served up as the very appitizing peas u have on your plate !!Great blog Traction Man, I haven't laughed so much in ages!
I read about your blog in the Telegraph and thought I'd send my best wishes for your speedy recovery. I was in hospital for about a year in the mid 1980s, so your tales of sleepless nights and days of tedium are very familiar: you have my deepest sympathies. If it's any consolation, the food does actually look like it has improved, hard though that might be to believe! When I was in hospital, the food was so vile and so lacking in nutrition the only way I managed to stop losing weight was to eat food my family brought in for me.
First i have to say your blog had me in fits of giggles....fantastic!!Now, your "meal" peas (duh), but next to it...hmmm...chicken chasseur? Regardless, get a good carry out menu :) I done that last time i was in hospital as the food was just awful....best diet ever though :)
Peas and genetically modified potatoes in a dulux and chicken sauce???
I'd contact the Red Cross on your mobile and beg for one of it's parcels!Even Army rations must be more attractive than the pin ups you have posted!That is the first pavement pizza I have ever seen without diced carrots forming an integral part; see, we are all slowly but surely going green (as in the peas...). Or is nausea the cause as well as the effect?!I think I can top that meal, though - the school I went to used to serve up vats of 'Curried Eggs' - whole, hardboiled eggs floating about in lurid, lumpy curry... 'Eyeballs in Sick' followed by 'Snot Pie' (rhubarb crumble, except it didn't crumble - SOLID!!) were two epicurian delights, as was the green salad with added greenfly, lumpy Smash (oops, that's giving away my age!) and a choice of emerald green peas or salmon pink baked beans - the cooks (I use that term advisedly) loved adding food colouring.... sunglasses and sickbags all round!Love this blog!!!!! Hope you feel much better soon! xxx
OMG. I hope you were overweight to begin with as even looking at that food would be enough for me to choose salad, salad, and more salad. At least you'd have half a shot at recognizing dinner. I always add salad and a cup of broth to my order "just in case". I couldn't resist. I had to TRY to guess and even when I enlarged the picture (which made my stomach churn), I could NOT guess.
Do you want me to bake a cake with a knife in it so you can cut yourself free?chin up!x
Don't know but just as well you didn't eat it! But had you and it revisited you you can bet your life that the carrot fairy would have come along and sprinkled diced carrots on it. As Billy Connelly always said: "whenever you vomit why is it that there's always bloody diced carrots in it even if you haven't eaten them!!!)
That's partly browned yellow lumpy something, with green round pellets that can be used as missiles to attract attention.
Get well soon Traction man. I have not laughed so much since a long time after reading your blog. I am now addicted to reading it.As for the meal, it looks like diced potatoes in runny polyfiller sauce. You should ask what the meals are and we can all re-name them..!I really hope someone has a kind heart and brings you decent meals.
At the risk of putting you right off your tea, may I suggest this is less a matter for comment by Masterchef gurus Greg Wallace and John Torode, and more a case for Drs. Sam 'What do you mean smile for the camera, this is my happy face' Ryan, Nikki 'I simper therefore I am am' Alexander, Harry 'Not going to happen' Cunningham' and dear Professor Leo 'Does my conscience look big in this' Dalton?Whatever it is, it certainly didn't come from a kitchen. My guess is the gizzard.
Now you all know why those of us that work in hospitals take bloody sandwiches to work! The food pictured here looks like it's come from our staff canteen and no, we don't know what it is either.All I can say is get well soon but food like that ain't gonna build your strength up.
I wish you all the best to a fast recovery xi found your blog today on the daily mail, you brought a smile to my face x take care
Ah, now I recognize this as I was served the exact same dish 30 plus years ago when in hospital in traction with broken vertebrae.It is called "meal option number one", I know because that is what I was told when I asked what the hell it was all those years ago.You thought that you'd fool all of us with your oh so sly and tricky "what is it?" poser; but not me you crafty devil.As to the reason the peas look so ghastly; it is because they heat up much more quickly than the glop and basically desiccate themselves...The removal of all of the moisture in the peas will allow you to add to your collection of food modeling clay; pea putty has many uses all of them annoying, enjoy.Get well soon from. From Graham across the pond in Canada.
Wow! What a tasty looking dish of Marshmallows in yellow sauce with tiny brightly coloured capers.Love from Lynda in Kettering, hoping you get better soon!
Chicken or tuna mornay with peas!do I win???? :)Hope you feel betetr soon..it sucks being stuck in bed..well..unless your with someone goregous and cuddly :)
In our family that would have been called 'Bimbo Sick' (Bimbo being the family dog when we were kids).'Bimbo Sick' means some 'foodSTUFF' that cannot be identified.I am just glad we dont have smell-a-'puter *shudder*All the best
I know! Its mechanically seperated chicken necks marinated in oven cleaner for a week in a toilet, with a white whine (no typo) and pus sauce.Dunno what the green things are. Grass balls coughed up by a cancerous bunny?
HiIt's about time somebody wrotes about these NHS 'Angel' Nurses really are. I am really sick of hearing about how caring and good they are, after the way they treated my Mother - She only just survived their 'kindness'. Hang in there and Get Well Soon!Marc in New York.
Is it Tuna Mornay??
Its a coconut chicken curry but without much spice
Is it peas and Hawaiian Chicken?
Okay... It's tuna and potato pie. How did the word 'pie' creep in there? The pie is clearly in the sky.
Fish in white sauce - the yellow bits are pieces of squash. Mind you, it looks more like the motor used to stick fieldstone together.
tuna mornay with pinapple chunks (why??!!?) and peas.
I would guess Tuna Casserole with pineapple adn peas. I wouldn't eat it either!
It is a bloody good reason to get the hell out of there ASAP!Greetings from Australia.I hope you recovery is going well
Hi from the gold coast. I do believe you have have stumbled across what our family called "never mind".. it is always a concotion of whatever mum has in the fridge and yet it looks like that too. I think yours may have corn in it with some kind of white glutenous mass and maybe a chicken passed by it on its way out of the kitchenand you obviously have pre war peas on the other side. Glad you didn't eat it. Get well soon, but please keep this blog going, I haven't laughed so much in ages.
This one is a "cubism interpretation" (shall we therefore call it a "Picasso"?) of an attept at Tuna Mornay, the yellow bits are corn kernels. Unfortunately though, as usual, the Creme Veloute (white cream sauce) turned out yet again to be the infamous wallpaper paste, and the tuna appears to have swum the coup, taking with it the can (pun intended). The pea bullets look suspiciously like regurgitated pea rifle ammo.How'm I doing so far???
Excellent blog!Unsure what the ingredients are, but it appears to be a concoction religated to the back of the fridge a few days, possibly even a few weeks, prior to serving. Whilst rustling around the fridge for something to make for your ward, the Chef noticed it and thought, "Geronimo! I don't need to cook tonight!". So he warmed up the slop, told his minions to team it up with some frozen hash browns and pre-cut from the factory frozen vegetables, and I suspect he promptly legged it to the pub.Wishing you a very fast recovery.
hi from australia.how terrible they cant give you 'human' food.i would gladly send you some kangaroo steaks and emu eggs;they wouldnt be in much worse condiion when they arrived than the 'food' you are being served.
Tuna salad? Looks like something I conjure up on a good day.
Looks like creamed chicken and corn with a side of peas. After it has been prechewed, regurgitated, fed to the pidgeons, regurgitated and been reprocessed from the droppings.
Looks like some kind of Sweet and sour dish - (Wasn't it sweet of them to deliver your meal and I bet they enjoyed the sour look on your face when you opened it up!!!) You say the Staff are outstanding in their service. Have you tried to get along reeeeeally well with a couple of them and get them to bring you some real food.
Looks like peas and regurgitated potato bake (the peas are easy to recognise... I don't think I want to know what the other stuff is). I hope you have someone bringing you proper food to eat. When I was stuck in hospital for a month last year, my husband would bring food in for me to eat (Thai, Indian, pasta - anything but hospital food!)... but even the hospital food where I was didn't look this bad!!
Thanks for making my trip to work a happy one...you were on Radio 4's Today. Sorry to hear you are ill. Now to the food. It has to be peas with something but what it is I am not sure. However I am sure that the rogue pea that has snuck away from the pack has good cause to desert its own kind.
(canned) Tuna and potato bake with overcooked peas. Jenny
I can sympathise 100% with you. Spent a month in hospital in Sydney after my son was born and the absolute best looking meal (and only one that was remotely edible) they ever sent me was valentines day 2003 (hey they pulled out the stops) it was lamb cutlets with mash. It also happened to be the day i was released so i never got to sample it. But it did take me 5 whole years to east roasted lamb again after their horrid food. so i have to say UK, Aus same diff with the food! Jenny
Was it meant to be cauliflower cheese?
Is the stuff on the left some kind of fish and spud pie?
Is it a poor mans vegtable mousaka that doesn't resemble mousaka at all?
Fish mornay and peas
I think is Chicken a la thing - classic blog - hope you get better soon - Tammy from Cape Town
OK TM, the white stuff is unstrained Camel Jizz, the green things are 10 day old slow roasted goat droppings. I hear they are a delicacy in some parts of Egypt.........Lloyd Grossman told me.
I am having a laugh at your blog. Sending a link to half of Cape Town so everyone can enjoy your writing. Excellent stuff! Get well soon.
I recall my last stay in hospital with tonsilitis, where I was informed I could only be released when I ate a meal....... It took a further 2 days before I could pull together the courage to eat anything the sadistic bastards placed in front of me.
I think I've had the same thing at hospital.Isn't it a Jamie Oliver-inspired turkey and apple stew? That's how it was described to me. In mine I did find a tiny bit of meat (most probably turkey) and the rest was mostly potato. I wasn't lucky enough to get peas though. I was at hospital for a serious hemorrage and although doctors insisted I should eat plenty of red meat and green veg, these seemed to have been banned altogether from the hospital kitchen. On a good day we'd get potato pie served with... mashed potatatoes!
Is it Chicken Supreme?
mmmmmm mysterious protein matter in sick. delicious! hope you escape out of there soon....
Hi, If you like I'll offer you some Herbalife Formula 1 Bar. The are more tasty than that you get overthere. Mail me if you like. Wishing you all the best! www.dasperfektefruehstueck.com
is it irish stew... ewww it looks so nasty...
Spotted the sweetcorn and guessed the mess it's swimming in has to be tuna. I never did understand how the two came to be pals.I think they've mistaken you for someone on the ward who's had his jaws wired together. See if you can find him - he's probably got your dover sole and oysters.
Since you don't seem to be eating anyway, perhaps you should go on hunger strike until they agree to provide you with completely edible meals.I'd be more inclined to eat my own vomit chased down with feline urine before I'd eat some of the stuff in your pictures.The hospital food here in N.Ireland, in my limited experience, was ok. People think this is a free health care service we have in the UK, but since the government is taxing the shit clean out of us, I'd say we deserve a decent meal for our tax dollars.Another suggestion for you would be to assault the sadistic over-paid douchebag who brings these meals to your bed. Perhaps you'll get transferred to the infirmary at your local prison, where I've heard the food is much better.I wonder if you could transfer this bug of yours to one of your dinner plates, although I would imagine that the taste of your flesh and bone is more appetising to flesh eating bacteria, bugs and viruses.I hope your recovery happens quickly and smoothly so you can begin eating real food again. book yourself a fancy table at a swanky restaurant as soon as you get out. Then blow up the hospital kitchen. Good Day!
Cheers from Canada! I'm agreeing that the white mess looks like some type of fish pie, which I have only seen on British cooking shows, served with over microwaved peas. The food at most hospitals here is almost airline quality and has it good days and it's bad. But for mostly, it is palatable. Hope you get well before they starve you to death. Maybe that's where the next "Survivor" series should be held, "Survivor UK"!
Could that be scallop potatoes? Maybe it's a fish stew?
It appears to have been eaten once already...
And you point is?
Pasta and potato bake maybe or chicken and potato, though anything suggested should end with SLOP!
Looks very much like what's referred to in Scotland as "kerbside salad", usually found on Sunday mornings... Alternatively, it could be a test of patient stability, you know, if you can stomach seeing it you're clearly "feeling well in yourself".
Ug! These pictures are starting to look like a Damian Hurst exhibit. Submit them for the next Turner prize. You never know Saatchi may buy them.
Guess from Canada....... tuna casserole? YEEEEeesh.
Good job you didn't eat it - it looks like someone else already has, and they didn't like it, either!
Looks like something that should have carrots in it....Stay away from the food and you'll be back on your feet in no time!
Could it be some sort of fish pie???
Oh thank god you didn't eat that! I 'spose at least the peas are recognisable... as for that white slop, let's just say I've seen prettier things in my Forensics course. Hope you get better soon, good luck with everything!Karina
you would have thought that they would be feeding you decent food as it aids recovery and general health. Hey tell us not to smoke and drink and to eat healthy but then serve up this shite to you.oh i think it's some kind of ham / mushroom / pasta hoops ??? and pea's with a cheesey carbonara sauce.
Just found out about your blog - good job! I have a lot of catching up to do. How much longer to do you have in there?All the best! Get well!Greetings from an Aussie in Holland.
I know, they've recruited the Apprentices to prepare the meals at your ward. Remember the programme about them preparing sloppy sandwiches for a coctail party?dear TM, I've been laughing aloud, keep up the good spirit.
I've got at least another five weeks!
How's Portugal treating you?
I'm going for a regurgitated jacket potato with tuna and cheese, with a side of slug pellets. Yum.
Hi I think it is a kind of ....greetings vom Austria
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOPE U HAVE A GOOD DAY AND DONT FORGET THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS GETTING NEAR SO KEEP STRONG