I post tonight's photo as a tribute to the great Keith Floyd who sadly passed away this week, but only after a sumptuous lunch of oysters, pheasant and Champagne. I'm not sure what Keith would make of tonight's supper but it didn't float my boat.
I could of course beg my family to bring me little treats and home cooked food but my home is a few hours away from this excellent hospital and therefore it's not really practical. But please don't worry on my behalf as the Mars Bars and crisps are going down a treat.
Anyway, would anyone like to make a stab at identifying the brown stuff in the photo? I won't award any points for the hash browns as they're a little too easy to identify. Incidentally, they're very nice warm but probably even better hot.
I do hope I don't get called into Matron's office this evening for a dressing down since the blog appears to have gone mainstream. Time to put the tin hat on, I think.
is it cat vomit?
ReplyDeletenot a good time to tell you i have just took a beautiful crunchy handmade loaf out the oven and have put in a rather delish looking 'eves pudding'to be served with home-made vanilla ice-cream...and a nice glass of pinot grigio...
ReplyDeletesoz...not helping really am i...shall i send a food/wine parcel?
Having looked very closely at this and I am sorry to say, slurping a large glass of red whilst doing so, is it supposed to be some sort of chilli. I could always get my daughter to bring you in some food she has cooked, she got an A in GCSE Food Tech last year, 750 million ways to cook a swiss roll. A bit like your caterers she can't even boil an egg!!!
ReplyDeletewell, this is on the menu at the Ritz tonight - could yours be a takeaway from there?
ReplyDeletePoached, roast Anjou Pigeon breast and leg beignet, with Fois Gras, Savoy Cabbage, Pressed Fig, Shallot Marmalade, Honey Jus.
I believe it's called Crofter's Hotpot and includes baked beans. What sort of crofter are we talking about? Still, I managed to stun a couple of pigeons by throwing the hash browns out of the window.
ReplyDeleteWell from my extensive knowledge feeding this crap to patients I still dont know!
ReplyDeleteSome sort of overcooked lentil dahl that's been sitting under the hot plate far too long! Or a regurgitated curry or kebab after a heavy night on the tiles... Oh dear, this is hardly appetising!
ReplyDelete:-) Get well soon, Traction Man!
I thought it was curry and a Samosa! Looks like something my dog would do when he has a bad stomach.
ReplyDeleteI claim the prize, it's minced beef slop, with over cooked frozen vegetables, under cooked potatoes that are meant to look like hash browns and fail.
ReplyDeleteGet well soon before you starve to death on the stodge that the NHS feed you.
oh dear... get well soon traction man. Glad to see that you at least have a sense of humour with your empty stomach! It has been a while since I have smiled so much reading a blog. Keep your spirits up.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the unavoidable grotesqueness, but it looks exactly like the result of an upset stomach. I'm surprised there aren't little bits of toilet paper stuck in it. Ewww...
ReplyDeletelookes like puffed up toast
ReplyDeleteMy guess is it's an old American favorite called Sloppy Joe.....or in this case Sloppy Del Boy - Take care and get well soon………. Best wishes from across the pond.
ReplyDeleteMinced beef??
ReplyDeleteLeaving this comment after reading the Daily Mail article. My thoughts are with you!
Laughed out loud at reading your story in the DM, especially the Rennie's as stars.
ReplyDeleteWhat does this delicacy look like, hmm, something a drunk has departed onto the pavement in Glasgow, minus the ubiquitous carrots
Well I am sorry to say this, but unfortunately it looks nothing like the Chinese I have just eaten.....get well soon... Or maybe not I have been in stitches all evening reading your postings!!! Neil Probert
ReplyDeleteNever mind the food... did you ever get your hair washed? On the ward which I'm a nurse we have these shower caps you heat up in the microwave and then... dah dah after a little massage you have clean hair. Ask Super Matron to order some!
ReplyDeletei think it might be salsbury steak hospital style.
ReplyDeleteStarchild
I just fed my cats and the brown stuff looks identical to what I just gave them; it was Friskies Chef's Dinner. Those triangle things are hash browns, hmm, I figured they were fried bread, the compost heap of defrosted frozen veg is in all likelihood cold and insipid but could in a pinch be mashed into a sort of stiff glop and used as modeling clay for when times get too boring; add some pastry held back from another meal to allow the clay to be stuck on vertical surfaces, this will increase its fun coefficient many fold.
ReplyDeleteName and shame the company responsible for preparing this slop as I'm sure they'd appreciate hearing from several thousand irate customers.
If you get arrested, the food they give you in the police station is actually worse than this. But only just!
ReplyDeleteGood grief! You don't think they'll arrest me for writing this blog, do you?
ReplyDeleteMinced beef I reckon.
ReplyDeleteMy father was given a nice square of fruit cake, at least it looked nice, if he had dropped it though it would have chipped the floor tiles !
Get well soon !
Darn - didn't realise it was a bread product! Thought it was samosas and curry. Not that that makes it better.
ReplyDeleteIt looks a little like cowpat, whatever the menu choice you ticked. Do curry houses deliver to hospitals?
Noticed you have Barry Beelzebub on your listy - Google Scary Duck... reckon you'd love him too.
Love your blog!
Here in the U.S., the guess would definitely be some variation (bastardization?) of Texas-style chili. Coming from a U.K. hospital, however, I've no idea, though I will guess that a wood chipper was used somewhere along the line in its creation.
ReplyDelete(Found your blog thanks to the American humorist Dave Barry, who featured the Daily Mail article on his blog. You're not just mainstream now, you're international.)
OMG I love your blog! I read about you in the Australian News Website. My Father has just recently returned home from major surgery and I'm caring for him full-time. Your blog has made us laugh and put a light on a very depressing siutation for Dad and I - thankyou. I promise Dad and I will keep reading!
ReplyDeleteProbably meant to be cottage pie... talking mainstream, you're on the news limited website in Australia so you will be very busy soon. Here's the link http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26085493-401,00.html
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of the unfortunate after effects of bolognaise sauce and gastro - the stuff that came out of both ends. You've made the front page of news.com.au (Australia) - inernational shame for your hospital caterers!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't give that brown shit to a dog, it looks like stomach contents recycled from the autopsy table, looks like an unlabeled can of generic 'food product' has been microwaved. I'm sure this kind of food may have contributed to your delayed recovery mate, best wishes from Australia..
ReplyDeleteMy guess is steak and kidney?
ReplyDeleteWonder who the donor was?
Sitting here crying with laughter.
A bit like you , Traction Man,
when your dinner arrives (sans laughter).
Stanley Planet, Oz.
Stand up to them Traction Man - oh wait, you can't...
ReplyDeleteBolognaise. Or bolognaise inspired. All Italians would disown it. I've seen a similar concoction at my hospital.
ReplyDeleteI feel compelled to send you a care package of homemade ANZAC biscuits. All the best from Australia!
ReplyDeleteJust in case the caterers have lost the recipe for the alleged Crofters Hotpot - here it is.....
ReplyDelete(however any similarity between this and what was on your plate is purely accidental)
Crofters Hot Pot
Serves 4-6
Salt and Pepper
Oil
15g Flour
500ml Brown Stock (beef or lamb)
1 Bay Leaf
2 Sprigs Thyme
2Sprigs Rosemary
400g Onions (thinly sliced)
200g Carrots (thinly sliced)
100g/ Leek (white part, thinly sliced)
2Tomatoes (remove skin & seeds and chop)
3 large Potatoes (peeled & evenly sliced)
25g Butter (melted)
ChoppedParsley to garnish
Preheat the oven to 210ºC/450ºF/Gas7, lightly season the Lamb with salt and pepper. Heat some oil in a casserole dish and brown the Lamb, pour off any excess oil and dust with a light covering of flour. Place the casserole in the oven and cook, uncovered, for 10 minutes.
Bring the stock to the boil, remove the casserole and pour the stock over it, reduce the oven temperature to 150ºC/300ºF/Gas1. To the casserole add the bay leaf, thyme and rosemary then layer the onion, carrot, leek , tomatoes and finish with the potatoes on top.
Brush the potatoes with melted butter and season, bring the casserole to the boil on the hob then cover with the lid and place in the oven for 1½ hours or until the potatoes are cooked. When cooked, remove from the oven and again brush the potatoes with butter placing the dish under a preheated grill to brown, sprinkle with the parsley to serve.
Serve with mixed baby vegetables.
Good grief, reminds me forcibly of school food. Boarding school, circa 1985. Not a good time for English institutional cuisine as you can no doubt imagine...
ReplyDeleteI'd strongly recommend a diet of peanut M&Ms and apple juice sipped from unused urine sample cups.
A former boyfriend of mine would have called this "bog on a plate".
ReplyDeleteOn my last day of hospital, a nurse opened the door to my room, I smelled the food, and promptly vomited all over myself. Can you order a pizza?
I am guessing that it must be some sort of skill required to take reasonable good food and turn it into this. The exact opposite of what you need in an alchemist.
ReplyDeleteit may be braised steak and onion. you know, the stuff out of a tin?
ReplyDeleteMy guess would be the innards of a meat pie, made by a company looking at how to increase profit by scrimping on the "meat".
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know your news / blog on hospital food has reached Australia.
ReplyDeleteHere is the link
ReplyDeletehttp://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=864380
Another Aussie here, you will indeed be busy...front page on news.com, well done!
ReplyDeleteOK, it's supposed to be savoury mince in gravy, along with the artificial hash browns (frozen) and peas,beans,cauli,carrot (also frozen out of a bag), however, it looks like tepid and under seasoned axle grease replaced the "gravy". And is that meat???...or gristle.
Appreciated the comment on Floyd...what a magic man, THE original TV chef, soon as he gets settled "up there" maybe he'll have a word with The Chief (over a good glass of red of course) and get something done about this!
Just had another nervous look at your meal.
ReplyDeleteWhy are the carrots two different colours?
They must have forgotten to nuke the ones that
are still orange.Bon Appetit.Tks for laugh.
God, I wouldn't have even guessed the hash browns let alone the brown puddle! Good luck to you for swallowing one mouthful of it!
ReplyDeleteBe thankful you have something to eat...I`ve spent the last two weeks looking in bins for enough food to have one meal. Your ungrateful sod.
ReplyDeleteLooks like shit, traction-man!
ReplyDeleteSorry to say that, but it doesn't look any worse than the food served in Australian public hospitals. Yes, you're famous in Aussie now - be prepared to be busy.
And get well soon, so you can get outta there and have a proper feed!
Hi there TM,
ReplyDeleteI work as a nurse in Australia and your blog amused me very much. I have to say that the hospital food in Australia isn't too bad. It depends on the hospitals but I've worked in 7 different ones and the food looks tasty most of the time. They even serve roasted kangaroo slices in Alice Springs to cater for the indigenous population, but unfortunately they cook it so that it's quite leathery. It's still popular though. The greens always seem to suffer the worst though and are a nasty shade of olive green every where in Australia.
Of course, I speak from a position of being ravenously hungry from running around by the time dinnertime arrives so any food looks good. But patients get tired of it after awhile as I would too and some of the patients order pizza in. It's fun to see pizza delivery guys get lost on the wards..
Anyways, hope some of your friends are bringing food in for you cuz you gotta eat to get those bones healing. Get well soon.
-Aussie nurse.
P.S Write something nice about your nurses and doctors.
I think the busy nurse has muddled your meal and stool sample again.
ReplyDeletehmm I haven't a clue what the brown stuff is and i thought the hash browns were apple turnovers. I couldn't understand why they put them straight on top of the brown stuff but now I know what they are it all makes sense......
ReplyDeleteIndian curry?
ReplyDeleteHash browns? I thought they were soggy toast.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like something that was thrown at me during my stay in the University College Hospital in London. Only there they called it "Corned Beef Hash", which was made up of corned beef and baked beans mashed together to form.....something. Had a lovely side of boiled goosberries and potato wedges. Do I really have to say that I only ate the wedges?
ReplyDeleteNot sure, the random pea on the far right is throwing me off a little. Hmmm. I brought in some experts, Gandalf and Titan, my two cats. They turned their noses up and left the room, so it can't be anything a cat would relish. It's elementary Sir - the only remaining contender is Dog Food. The questions still remains... which brand of dog food is it?
ReplyDeleteNow I see where the term Compound Regenerated Animal Protien comes from, I hope someone local finds time to bring you a decent meal in soon
ReplyDeletei,m guessing its chilli con carne ... get well soon... lyn from downunder
ReplyDeleteThe Semosa's are a give away its Beef Curry with English Vegatables how very quaint and colloquial.
ReplyDeleteLentil stew perhaps? There are some nasty chunks in the slodge which kind of make it hard to identify...
ReplyDeleteSome type of beef product with brown beans in tomato-ish sauce?
ReplyDeleteIsn't it wonderful? They manage to arrange the food in a sufficiently random and scattered manner as to confuse the eye. The triangular bit on the left could easily be an apple turnover or a vegetable somosa. The vegetables aren't neatly piled in same sex groups, consistent with Zanu Labour policy of mixed lavatories. All context seems to vanish when dinner is served in Zanu Labour hospitals.
ReplyDeleteWhen, after being transfused with 4 pints of blood, I finally came off nil by mouth and was able to eat, the FIRST thing they offered me was a brick of ICED CREAM. Obviously, since I'd been critical for several days and had not even had water, my palate was about as sharp as Sweeney Todd's cutting gear, and iced cream tasted like an invasion by the Brigade of Guards. It stank. It was sickly sweet. I was gagging for savory. Sheesh.
One day someone, somewhere, is going to understand that crud does not amount to food.
I forgot to identify the 'main' part of the dish when identifying the triangular items - which don't seem to have the conventional texture of a somosa - someone seems to think curry! Tsk. If it is I can only say that it looks like a curry made from gravy, rather than starting off with a tomato passata. Perhaps, being something of a curry cook myself, I am too much of a purist, but your meal looks like some sort of beef stew, with apple turnovers and English vegetables, randomly strewn across the croc.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, I feel that you may need it. Should you need any defensive equipment - dannert wire, shovel/trenching/army/for the use of, boots/desert/army surplus because Gordo can't afford them, helmet/protective/army/for the use of - put a notice on your site. I and my team of other ex army experts will be at your door, quicker than you can say defense is no longer the 23rd most senior position in cabinet. ;-)
Spent at least 2 hours here and laughed so hard my sides still hurt. God, I hope I never get sick enough to have to go to a hospital. At first I thought the brown stuff was Chili beans, after reading all this I am nt sure anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou are truly international now. Found this link through Der Spiegel in a funny write up.
Good luck to you and greetings from Guadalajara.
oh my god no wonder you are still in hospital if they are serving that crap up - maybe the caterers think they are in an animal hospital???
ReplyDeleteget well soon... i'd be ordering takeout for every meal :)
take care
an aussie follower
I say it looks like beef goulash, hash browns, some microwaved vegies.
ReplyDeleteGet well soon!
From another Aussie follower :)
You should be happy that you have food. There are people worse off that you in the world. Stop whining and get over it.
ReplyDeleteI think I have the answer - it's what appears in my 6 month old grandsons nappy after a curry...
ReplyDeletePost-wormimg tablet cat vomit and poached maggots? yumm . . . !
ReplyDeleteAre you sure it isn't chum so chunky you can carrrrve it. It has a distinct look of chum with gravy sauce. Not looking too carvable though I must say. Blech. Poor you.
ReplyDeleteI somehow think the point is that no-one is supposed to identify the 'brown'. It is only distinguishable by whatever flavourings are tossed into the pot - curried 'brown', herby 'brown', peppered 'brown', etc.
ReplyDelete