TV dinners could save the NHS

During the past nine months I’ve probably ingested more drugs than Keith Richards managed to get through in the 1970s, ’80s and ’90s combined. For this reason I have a feeling that my mind is blunter than Cherie Blair’s social skills and that could be why I haven’t come up with this blindingly obvious idea before.

Here I am sat moaning my head off about the miserable state of NHS catering when the solution is right under my nose… well, on a bracket attached to the wall actually. I’m talking about the telly. Why on earth didn’t I give Jamie Oliver a bell first before starting this blogging lark? I’m sure he’d have been round here in pukka quick time to give the kitchen staff a good slapping and sorted out the menu so that at least there’d be something edible on offer. He’s the world’s most popular TV chef and absolutely massive in Germany where he’s known as Der TV Kok.

On second thoughts, Jamie’s probably a bit busy at the moment. He’s got all those reformed drug addicts, petty criminals and assorted tealeaves to look after in his chain of restaurants. Then there’s his epic trip around the USA dressed up like the Village People, and I suppose he still wants time to see his family. Maybe Jamie can’t do for the NHS what he did for the nation’s schools. I’m going to have to draft in a few more TV chefs as back-ups.

How about Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall? He seems like an awfully nice chap. I mean, anyone who’s been to Eton ought to be able to knock up a decent pudding while bending over backwards to please. I’ll put him on my short list and get my people to talk to his people.

What do we think about Gordon Ramsay? Well, he could do with a bit of good PR after his recent troubles. Mind you, we’d have to lock up all the female kitchen staff first. I think I could also make a bit of money out of Gordon by putting a swear box in the kitchen. Just imagine, two weeks in the hospital re-heating room and I’d have enough dosh for a beach-side bungalow in Barbados and still have change left over for a Lear jet. So there’s another one for the shortlist.

My fourth choice would have to be The Hairy Bikers. Who couldn’t resist those cuddly and polite northerners on their Harleys. They cook quite well too… as long as you like black pudding with everything, including your dessert. Don’t laugh… I once saw my brother eat tinned peaches with spam and HP sauce. Okay, that was for a dare but I bet some chef somewhere reading this is furiously scribbling that down for some future fusion recipe. No, I really like Si and Dave at lot. I don’t know if they can fix the NHS food but we’d have fun trying.

My final choice, and a bit of an outsider, is Antony Worrall Thompson. Imagine having him sorting out the NHS food. You’d only have to put a fishing rod in his hands and it would be like having a garden gnome in the kitchen. He might have a problem producing a decent bit of grub on the 59p per patient that some health authorities spend, but he’s a man who’s made economies lately – I reckon he knows how to cut a few corners.

So, what do you think? Which celebrity chef can create a successful recipe for putting the nation’s hospital kitchens back on track?

PS: I’ve just realised that I’ve left Keith Floyd off the list. Does anyone have his number?

PPS: How on earth did I leave Nigella Lawson off the list? Just goes to show they've been slipping bromide in my tea for far longer than I thought!