Thursday, 24 September 2009

Taking out the Taliban

Unless you’ve been living in a cave in Tora Bora (or a bunker in Downing Street) for the past year or two, it can’t possibly have escaped your notice that the country is in a bit of a financial squeeze… the technical term is ‘fiscally fucked’. We are spent out, brassic, broke, bust, and impecunious. We are in deep financial shit.

The country is going to have to make one or two economies on a few non-essential items like health, education and defence. Fortunately some of the more essential services such as the British Potato Council or the Energy Saving Trust will, thank God, be spared savage cuts.

So it’s clear that we’re going to have to make some serious savings. Now if anyone suggests even laying a finger on the kit needed to keep our brave troops in Afghanistan safe then they’re going to be on the receiving end of a full colonoscopy and a ice-cold enema from my nurse. However, at the risk of being shot down, I think we can actually make some savings in the defence budget while actually increasing the protection and weaponry of our brave lads and lasses currently up the wrong end of the Khyber Pass.

I’m indebted to a reader emailing from Camp X in Afghanistan who has suggested that the peas that keep appearing on my plate are being misdirected. It’s his considered professional opinion that the peas are of sufficient calibre to take out a Taliban from at least 200 yards. What’s more, these deadly weapons are cheap, environmentally friendly and available in enormous quantities at a hospital near you. All you need is a pea-shooter, a canister of compressed air and a Tally in your crosshairs.

Of course, if you manage to catch your Taliban alive it could be very useful for intelligence purposes to interrogate the chap to glean some intelligence and move forward with more peas to take out a few more of the scallies. Unfortunately, a few weak-kneed liberal types have taken exception to several effective methods of persuasion - such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation and hooding – which are now apparently illegal and frowned upon. It’s clear that other cost-effective methods (remember that we’re broke) are needed in order to extract information from the enemy.

Well, I think I’ve found the answer. Since almost 50% of hospital food is wasted we have a free and virtually inexhaustible supply of cold and congealed hospital dinners that can be shipped out to Afghanistan. I was going to suggest using the most lethal forms of these weapons of mass indigestion: pork mince in onions. Then it struck me that there would be uproar from the Birkenstock-wearing and tofu-eating types who would complain about feeding pork to the Taliban. Point taken, but we still have Crofter’s Hotpot or Harvest Pie left in reserve; and let’s not forget the spotted dick with lumpy custard.

One dose of any of these ‘cruel and unusual’ weapons would have your average Tally singing like a canary and wouldn't even contravene the Geneva Convention. And the cost to the taxpayer: a big fat zero. In fact, it would even be good for the environment… there’s nothing like a good bit of recycling.


  1. By jove I think you've cracked it!! :o) I suspect your quest for the title of Baron may not be that far away - I mean let's face it, has Gordon Brown come up with a plan so ingenious? Perhaps they should go as far as to send the NHS microwave operative out with the food - that way they can add insult to injury by serving it hot. Now, by serving it hot I obviously don't mean serve the pie & mash hot, I mean the salad & sandwiches. The mash should always be shot off cold I feel - the way the NHS intended it!

    I hope things are improving, even if it is a little day by day.

    Take care TM

  2. Great Idea!

    It started me thinking (always a bad sign). The pie crusts could be used as shields for our lads and lasses out there. I mean they're hard enough when *ahem* fresh, imagine how impenetrable they'd be after being shipped out!

    I'm sure we could do something with those lethal looking baked potatoes too...any suggestions?

    Take care.

  3. I think most Birkenstock-wearing, tofu-eating, weak-kneed liberals would agree with you foi gras-loving, stout-limbed libertarians in that the best way of saving lives and money would be to bring our brave troops home immediately.

    But as an Anarcho-primitivist misanthrope, I think closing all hospitals and returning human life expectancy to a more natural 30-ish years would be best for everybody.

  4. TM, I love your blog. You make me laugh so much, but this makes real sense! Keep up the good thinking and I wish you a speedy recovery away from hospital food.

    Lots of Loveliness and Cake,

  5. TM, I have been following the article since you were widely publiscised in the media.

    Your days must be hellishly long and incredibly boring, but I must commend your work whilst you are stuck at the mercy of the NHS.

    Such is the disturbingly bad quality of the food, I have not once successfully guessed what meals you have been served on any of the pictures you have taken.

    As for the peas and the Tally's, cost-effective to say the least and has a very 'Just William' take on it, however, this is 'Great Britain' and the only way to succeeed at anything is to have your brain removed so you can become management.

    Get well soon!


    "In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane"

  6. Hi Traction Man
    Why worry about Brown? Take the idea to Obama as there would be more opportunities to put it into practice (and you would be more likely to get a meeting with him than Brown was).
    Now to the serious bit, lovely readers: Get voting for Nigella in a nurse's uniform.

  7. You could always get our troops to eat it and then develop projectile vomiting.

  8. Spotted Dick? No way could you send one of those to the Taliban, they might be offended. They might appreciate a Spotted Richard instead!

  9. A slap round the chops with a spotted dick plus a cold-custard enema and I don't think the Taliban would give a toss whether it was a Richard or Dick. They'd just be begging for mercy.

  10. I wonder if your Taliban are auditioning for a remake of The Invisible Man?

  11. Just found your blog. Superb, keep it coming.

    I just wish there was a way that I could send you some good home cooked food.

  12. Another useful thing (besides the peas) that you could do for "Our Chaps" (and chapesses) in the front line is redeploy some of the staff from the hospital to us on the ground. Doctors and nurses we have in abundance, its something else we need. Let me explain the problem. We try to us IEDs against the jolly old Tallies but the crafty blighters suss them out every time, what we need is someone with some regular talent as disguising things, camouflaging as everyday objects, so they can’t be spotted.

    Now we have noticed that most of your meals some out looking like cow pats and as those are common as muck here (excuse the pun) this flare for artistic genius could be critical in winning this far-away war – If you could spare a chef or two that is?

    Cpl X

  13. Chefs are thin on the ground. We have reheaters. I have a better idea, use the hospital omelettes as body armour and on the underside of your vehicles and you should only feel a dull thud. Those things are bloody tough. Better than Kevlar.

  14. Surely Berlisconi or Sarkozy would be the ones to approach, they are suitably "intelligent"? Take care TM from all in SW France

  15. Now you've gone and done it. I'm seeing a large Adsense skyscraper ad for Scientology. I'm too scared to click on it in case Tom Cruise jumps out at me.

  16. Couldn't the baked potatoes be used as ground to air missiles? Though they would be more effective if they or the gravy were hot.

  17. if the food is that 'hazardous' how can it be fit for recycling? I thought it was illegal to export non-recyclable waste to other countries.

  18. Traction Man

    You need to remove Keith Floyd from your poll because he died last week. On second thoughts...

    Keep up the good work. Have you got a publishing deal yet?


  19. I know poor Keith is dead. I just thought he could do a better job than the contractor... even from beyond the grave.

  20. Sure Keith cud sort it - he was one of the best. . just a little too late to sort your problem out T M .
    How long you gonna be in traction ? Enjoying your blog - sorry but some one has to suffer........

  21. I'll be here as long as it takes which could be another month or two! Fortunately the staff are great and it almost feels like home. I've never had so much kindness and good care. And no, it doesn't have anything to do with the blog because they were equally lovely before I started writing it.

  22. Q: What do you call a Taliban with a goat and a sheep?
    A: Bisexual