Bottoms up to the BMA

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine… or so the old maxim goes. I too enjoy a nice glass or two of Shiraz with my dinner as much as the next man. However, here in this maximum-security establishment, otherwise known as an NHS hospital, alcohol is strictly verboten. You're more likely to get morphine than a glass of Sancerre.

I find this all rather amusing since I’ve yet to meet a doctor or a nurse who wasn’t extremely fond of their booze, fags and Ketamine, although not necessarily all at the same time. There was even a time when hospitals served Guinness to help patients build up their strength during a lengthy stay in hospital because Guinness is more beneficial and nutritious than Ovaltine or Complan. I even heard once of an enlightened hospital consultant in Swindon who used to prescribd red wine for his patients.

So what’s all the waffle leading to? Well it’s the bloody British Medical Association that’s got my goat. A bunch of swivel eyed hypocrites on one of the BMA’s committees has started banging on about alcohol and binge drinking again and are trying to persuade the government to jack up the price to make booze much harder to buy. They want to introduce a host of Draconian anti-alcohol measures specifically designed to make life even more miserable than it already is in this grey, dreary shit hole of a Stalinist country. And what do these mad medics want to do with the extra alcohol taxes raised? That’s right, they want to spend it on research into alcohol ‘misuse’ and set up some sort of alcohol regulator, which no doubt will be stuffed to the gunwales with experts and doctors, all on lucrative consultancy contracts.

This madness is something everyone should take note of and campaign against even if they’re teetotal. You see there’s a pattern of totalitarianism emerging here. First they came for the smokers. I didn’t object because I wasn’t a smoker. So in came a Europe-wide ban on smoking in public places, and those who enjoy the occasional puff on a Woodbine were reduced to pariah status. At the time doctors were asked if once they’d managed to get a smoking ban would they be tempted to call for a ban on other unhealthy substances such as alcohol. “Good heavens no,” they replied “Not all all.” Bollocks!

Alcohol is now firmly in the BMA’s puritanical sights and meat probably isn’t be far behind on the banning agenda. Then it’ll be sugar, salt, saturated fats... followed by carbon, fun and sex. Who the hell do these self-appointed soviet arseholes think they are? If they have their way we’ll all be shivering in stone huts, eating tofu, drinking rainwater and relying on a shared donkey for transport. Meanwhile the medical fraternity will be whisked around in Zil limousines as they set about their nannying work, safeguarding the nation’s health and telling the rest of us how to live our lives.

I’m not sure there’s much I can do about this slide into fascism but I’m determined to strike back in some small way. To this end I’ve arranged for a bottle of Champagne to be smuggled in to my room. While I drink my bubbly I’m going to put two fingers up to the BMA and try to work out how on earth I’m going to escape from this puritanical hellhole.