Monday, 14 September 2009

The last refuge of a scoundrel

“Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel,” Dr Samuel Johnson famously said. I was reminded of this when I heard that Andy ‘Max Factor’ Burnham, the Secretary of State for Health, had accused Daniel Hannan MEP of being unpatriotic for criticising the NHS. Hannan simply said he didn’t think that the NHS was a very good way of delivering healthcare.

Well, whatever your view on that is, I think opposition politicians are still entitled to express personal views without one of Gordon Brown’s boot boys jumping down their throat.

Now it’s probably fair to say that Burnham isn’t the sharpest implement in the Gordon Brown’s Cabinet toolbox, but he has managed to go quite a long way in a fairly short space of time. Perhaps his rapid promotion has something to do with his clever use of mascara and eyeliner whenever he appears on TV. The panda-eyed pillock with his fluttering lashes cuts no ice with me and his most recent utterances on the NHS appear to border on sheer lunacy.

Burnham's latest foot-in-mouth pronouncement is to suggest that the NHS could be improved if only patients and staff were to cheer up a bit. The man’s a genius! With NHS staff facing job cuts of around 137,000 posts and patients living in fear of contracting MRSA and Clostridium Difficile, this clown says all we have to do is put on a happy face, tell a few jokes and all will be well. How stupid can one man be? I know he’s a politician and that stupidity is a fundamental qualification for the job, but this really does take absurdity to a new level.

Oh how I wish the silly little sixth former could spend a few weeks in the care of his beloved NHS. Let’s see how he fancies a spell in a mixed sex ward. Let’s see how he copes after a week’s sleep deprivation because the geriatric patients around him are screaming in their sleep and ringing their bells every five minutes so a nurse can come and deal with their incontinence. Let’s see how little Andy finds the catering compared with the heavily subsidised foie gras and Veuve Cliquot that he currently enjoys in the House of Commons dining room. Let’s see how Andy could manage on the salary of a health care assistant, wiping old people’s bottoms for the minimum wage.

Sorry if I sound bitter and angry; please forgive me. I just get a little irate as I sit here listening to a complete ****hole talking out of his backside while I’m trying to get better with the odds stacked against me thanks to his government’s mismanagement of the NHS.

Rant over!


  1. Well said, sir! I've had many dealings with the NHS of late and the 'screaming in their sleep' issue is very real. Maybe Burnham should try sleeping in an ICU without the aid of benzodiazepenes. Given three nights, he'd start hallucinating. Or maybe, just maybe, that's what he's doing already. The 'cheer up' comment points towards sleep deficit.

  2. Burnham is a knobhead although not quite as big a knobhead as Ed Balls. Thank God he isn't in charge of the NHS!

  3. Indeed. I'd make it a standing requirement of any Health Minister that they spend at least two days a week working as an HCA. My Gawd, I'd have loved to see the look on that wretch Patsy Hewitt's face...

    Hang on in there.

  4. Yvette Cooper and Dawn Primarolo on bed pan duty. I'd love to see that.

  5. The item about you in the Mail fails to mention the gutwrenching insight into the failings and inadequacies of NHS care that you provide.

    May you remain masked and able to speak for the powerless, and to get well of course.

  6. Completey agree with the whole lot Mr Traction Man!
    I couldn't have put it any better myself!

    Having spent a week bed-ridden in an NHS hospital, Pontefract General Infirmary to be more exact(the institution which is currently being rebuilt under the reign of Ed Balls'wife! Holy Moley!)I can sypathise with you completely!

    A few points of my stay which warmed me to the wonderful NHS services:
    1, The surgeon deciding whilst in the operating theatre he was going to try " New invative key space surgery" instead of open surgery as planned pre-op! I think he meant Key-hole surgery...but we're not quite sure. This new-fangled "key space" surgery lead to 2 years of Physio with the wife of Hades.

    2, Whilst recovering from anesthetic the nurses told me i had to remove myself from the recovery bed to my own bed so they could discuss one of the wives new haircut. 6 of them watched, 1 of them talked, 0 of them cared i still couldn't feel my body from the meds.

    3, Being made to walk on my newly operated upon ankle, by aforementioned helpful chappies, in a cast that was set at a 110o angle...

    4, The surgeon said no walking.

    5, Walking with crutches, with the drip still in my small womanly hands, the needle was so long it stopped my wrist from bending..Oouch...

    6, Being told "if you want to use the toilet you need to learn to walk with crutches"

    7, Pain meds...for being made to walk with crutches, with drip needle in my wrist, on surgeons orders not to walk anywhere...were given to me 12hours late and nurses disconnected my "help button" for being a "nuisance."

    If Burnham wants to see us smile, maybe he should have been the one wiping my arse when i couldn't bend my wrist because of the dam needle still in there! I think I might have been grinning from ear to ear...but that might have been the after effect of the anesthetic =D

  7. You poor thing. That sounds dreadful. I'm fortunate to be in a hospital that's second-to-none for medical and nursing care. I do have a few laughs about life on the ward but I'm putting that down to the drugs and cabin fever.

  8. Hi Traction Man,

    You are now a world famous celebrity. I read about you in the news in South Africa. When Africa is looking at your food and thinking "Oh that's terrible, the poor man." you know you are seriously in trouble!

    Best wishes for your recovery. Please don't send us anything for the starving children!

  9. Andy (NHS EMPLOYEE)

    All together now -

    I'm H-A-P-P-Y
    I'm H-A-P-P-Y
    I know I am, I'm sure I am
    I'm H-A-P-P-----Y

  10. sorry friend, but you are pathetic. you are, in a nutshell, what is wrong with the world today. im not going to go into detail because it really isnt worth my time - but maybe you should stop spending your whole life wanting and start giving. loser.

  11. Pathetic... I know this might be difficult for you to grasp so I'll try to keep the words short and easy. This is humour with a slightly serious aim to improve hospital food. You've obviously had a sense of humour bypass. Now, go back to bed and hopefully you'll wale up in a better mood. Night night.

  12. Sir: I am sorry, as an RN myself, for your exposure to the, per your description, unmotivated members of my profession. And, to simply think that the Obamamessiah is seeking, via proxies, to inflict upon us (did I say that? I mean "bless us with") something very similar, here Stateside! Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanity!