A killer stalks the ward

Not for a moment did I think I might be in danger while staying here under the care of the NHS. The nurses and doctors take great efforts to shield me from infection and nasty things like used needles or overdoses of drugs. I mean, things have got so good these days some doctors even wash their hands and tuck their ties in their shirts before examining you.

But all that care isn’t worth a row of beans while a vicious and dangerous killer stalks the wards of the nation’s homes and hospitals. Of course, I’m talking about… biscuits.

There’s nothing we Brits like more than a nice sit down and a cup of tea to dunk our afternoon biscuits in. However, a recent survey carried out by Mindlab International discovered that half of all Britons had at some time been injured by a biscuit, reports The Daily Telegraph.

Seriously! I’m not making this stuff up. The injuries suffered ranged from breaking teeth on biscuits to scalding mouths on hot tea or coffee while dunking said biscuits. A staggering 25 million people have so far been affected by these ruthless snacks with more than 500 individuals being hospitalised by various types of cookies.

And which biscuit is the worst offender? Step forward the humble Custard Cream It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch. This popular biscuit is routinely handed out on the ward at teatime along with chocolate Bourbons. The Custard Cream beat 15 other biscuit types to take the crown of killer cookie, with a risk index rating of 5.63. The safest biscuits were Jaffa Cakes with a much safer score of 1.16.

Up to one third of adults also reported that they’d had suffered a serious mishap when dunking a Digestive or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed ‘Diggie’ from their teacup. Even more worrying is the 28 per cent of those surveyed who had choked on crumbs and the one in ten who had broken a tooth or filling while biting a biscuit.

However, perhaps most concerning of all were the three per cent of people who had managed to poke themselves in the eye with a biscuit. Even more bizarrely were the seven per cent who managed to be bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to snatch their biscuits.

Mindlab International director Dr David Lewis said: “We tested the physical properties of 15 popular biscuit types, along with aspects of their consumption such as ‘dunkability’ and crumb dispersal.”

With all these dangers existing in our local hospital, I find it impossible to believe that some elf ’n’safety Nazi hasn’t spotted this ‘accident waiting to happen’ and banned Custard Creams from the ward. I think I’m going to stick to cake if I want to get out of here in one piece.