rice (duh) and some kind of bean potato curry thing? Are those flecks of shredded meat product i see? Looks like my toddler's diaper when he eats too many raisins.
~WeeRobina (From Alberta, Canada! Where, by the way, the hosp. food is cold and disgusting but at least recognisable most times. Best wishes for a quick recovery!)
Hmmm. My first reaction was curry - but I think I see beans. Bean curry? Maybe not. Ninety year old Vesta vegetarian curry?
Hey! Perhaps the caterers have now entered into the spirit of the thing and are trying to produce the most disgusting mixtures anyone has ever thought of, in order to compete in your Hospital Food Olympics.
OMG, is it really sure that you're in a british hospital and not in a prison far far away? If you send this picture to the UNO - maybe they can help you to survive this fobidden torture.... I won't say what this meal look alike for me...
Was there any meal that taste better than it looks like?
Lord knows... if it is curry then maybe maybe it will be peppery? Oh will that make it flavoursome? Only Traction Man can tell us hordes of interested followers. Or is it coloured wall paper paste?
From Ax (who has had a much more entertaining week at home due to this recovering from flu)
Good God! Well, um... rice... kidney beans (hopefully) and baby extract (take your pick which end) on a bed of... potatoes(!?) that were found in the rejection bin of an extremely cheap vodka factory...?
why do you always have to make everything into a kind of sauce?
a meal does not have to include sauce, in fact it is a lot better if there is no sauce and all the ingredients are separate on the plate so you can choose what to eat.
mushrooms: slice and fry them with butter, add just a pinch of salt.
get some greens such as rocket, wash them and sprinkle on each meal for taste and vitamins.
------
Traction Man, watch BBC animal films to get into a good mood. Wild animals have to survive in dire conditions, too.
At the first glance it is if I see two shrimps. But with some more investigation they don't have any visible structure. Maybe they are just round things. Or maybe even scallops! :-)
heard the intervgiew with nthe hospital food rep.,last night ,on p.m.He is based around scotland by the sounds of it.Which authority is traction man commenting on?
Jesus H Christ...I've partaken of some psychedelic experiences in my life but WTF is that....
BTW mate, as a long term hip injury sufferer I can assure you that Tramadol goes quite nicely with a cheeky vimto or two...three can be problematic...four = floor. When my doc first gave them to me I asked if it would stop the pain...she said, 'no, but you won't care'...how right she was...keep the faith mate :-)
Oh my word, this looks even more disgusting than anything i have seen on your blog so far. I can see rice, beans and ahum white beans in vomited up baby food.
And i thought your lunch looked gross.
XoXo
karin
(security word: mence / according to google: MENCE - Skin Care and Body Toning Authority for Men LOL)
I think the kitchens have got a tin of orangey powder that they use to colour and therefore cunningly disguise everthing non-vegetable. That latest concoction is disgusting! Keep smiling and get well soon!!
due to the economic climate I'm a Celebrety Get Me Out of Here will no longer be filmed in Oz, instead it will come to you from a hospital somewhere in the south-west, you, Sir, have been the lucky person to do the trial food runs. Expect Ant and Dec any moment to collect your comments.
Hmm...let's see. Rice, obviously (unless they're using lice eggs...really LARGE lice eggs). Something that resembles kidney beans and umm...maybe chicken or potatoes? I'd say curry but it could well be coronation sauce which has a similar look to it (having said that, could be a really bad case of phlegm).
So...serious suggestion - coronation potato (I doubt they're giving you chicken) with kidney beans and rice.
Not so serious suggestion - phlegmed stones of various hues served with a side order of lice eggs.
Have you thought about putting it in whatever they give you to use as a toilet and seeing what they make of it? (probably tomorrow's dinner now that I think of it).
Oh my that is awful. I think I'm going to start coming to your blog before I eat, the pics of what they serve you are so revolting I lost my appetite for lunch this time!
I was terrified to look at this one, but under closer inspection is it potatoes, broccoli and kidney beans in vomit? Served with a side of white rice....
Definitely spotted a butter bean! I love them...usually. Not sure butter beans, marinated in cat sick is really my thing though. Loving this blog (found you via the Beeb) - best giggle I have had in ages! Think I may be close by so if you require care packages just yell!
Oh they surpass themselves this evening! What I think it is - potatoe and bean curry with rice.
What it looks like - a pair of testicles covered in a bad case of baby diarreahoea with a few blood clots thrown in served with boiled maggots.
As to your Hospital food olympics how about Shot Pud for starters, it appears that your previous serving of a supposedly steamed pudding would be a sure winner in this category!
Still with you Traction Man - if it makes you feel any better you have made an otherwise boreing and uneventful week into an absolute pleasure. You and some of the comments on here have kept me laughing my head off all week and I won't be leaving anytime soon.
Hope your leg is mending - see you tomorrow. Linda Tenerife x
Good luck to you! I'm stuck at home with ms, but at least I've got my own food and a wheelchair!!! Been crying with laughter all week at this.
A small comrade-in-arms story. I'm currently in Canada, and was hospitalised last year for the first time in this country. I waited eagerly for the first meal to see if the same slop was trans-atlantic. Imagine the surprise when the cover lifted off and I recognised a chicken breast with BBQ sauce, roast potatoes and brocolli that actually held its shape. I smiled gratefully at the server, who said "don't worry, you were lucky on your first day. All the other days of the week the meals are crap."
And she was right ... the next day was one of those dog food "beef" casseroles that you can smell before they lift lid. I knew my husband was at the chippy, so I rang him and got take out instead.
one day i took my dog to the seaside...she was very exited by the waves and played happily with then running in and out of the sea snapping at the foaming waves......after 10 minutes THAT was what i was trying to hide in the sand....dog vomit and seawater...with chunks...obviously your hospital trust found it!!!!!!!....
MUSHROOM STROGANOFF is the correct answer. I took two mouthfuls. For the past two hours I have been in agony with a stomach ache which is only just easing. This one not only looks like shit it makes you feel like it too!
MUSHROOM STROGANOFF???!!!??? Never. It doesn't look like that when I make it. It's got mushrooms in for a start, not beans. And tomatoes and other secret ingredients which I'm not going to divulge.
gosh, if you sent it of to microbiology they would have a field day - do you think they have sussed out where you are and are trying to poison you off? I have been reading your blog, and i have never laughed so much in ages, do hope you get someone to bring you in something edible over the weekend bonnie, colchester
My guess is you went for the vegetarian option and that option is labelled as bean and cabbage fricassee. Another guess is that it tastes as disgusting as it looks.
I have a good working theory on the cause of this dietary torture, which is:
Hospitals now earn their money by throughput, something called 'Payment By Results'.
The title is, in fact, a complete misnomer because the payment to the hospital by the local Primary Care Trust does not actually depend on the outcome - i.e. sick people made better - but on how many people the hospital can get in and out its doors in any one accounting period.
Each procedure undertaken carries a cash prize, and there is also an optimum in-patient time that earns the maximum payment.
If you are out too quickly for your particular treatment then the hospital's earnings are sub-optimal, but if you stay beyond the upper time limit then again the payment rate declines.
So there is for every hospital, and for every patient they treat, a window of highest earnings.
OK, so that's how the system works and this is where the foul food comes in. For each patient the hospital managers assess the right degree of dietary horror to inflict in order to make sure that the patient doesn't get better until they - the managers - stop earning top dollar.
In your case, let's assume that 'lower limb traction' has the highest earning potential up to six months. So for all that time - up to say five months - they will feed you sh1t on a stick in order to make sure you don't get better and leave.
When, however, you come close to reaching the end of your maximum earning potential for the hospital, they will start to feed you proper food in order to get you sorted, out their door and thus releasing a bed for another earner - sorry, patient.
An alternative working of the same sound theory is that you have already exceeded your allotted time and they are trying to scare you out the door with this filth.
But either way, rest assured that food is being used as a weapon by NHS managers in the ceaseless war of making most money.
How do I know this? Because I spend my professional life uncovering the many and manifold ways that the British public sector plays games with people in order to keep itself in business.
They call it 'new managerialism.' I call it corrupt.
That is clearly an NHS beans on toast. Tasting like the finest rubber lightly boiled in washing up water with random crunchy "bits" the origin of which can never be established.
Sod weight watchers, I think this may be my new diet. Just a glimpse of the crap they are serving you makes me want to puke. I feel a pair of size 8 jeans coming my way....
BTW, after spending four days in an ausssie hospital with pnuemonia recently, I can honestly say that they handled the veg/gluten-free diet with aplomb- maybe you should transfer here??
Best read in ages Traction Man..... keep em coming. Heard all about this on an Aussie radio station yesterday, we know all about you here!! Love it!!! Kitty ( ex Pat)
I did a little research (wikipedia) and discovered a possible origin of the word "stroganoff": Various explanations are given for the name, presumably derived from some member of the large and important Stroganov family, perhaps Alexander Grigorievich Stroganoff of Odessa or a diplomat, Count Pavel Stroganov.
Clearly what you were served IS derived from a member of the Stroganov family. I'm sure they spared no expense when exhuming the corpse.
I was in hospital for 10 weeks earlier this year & saw many instances of this type of mush. I think the Coronation Chicken was called that because it was made in 1953. The sponge pudding with custard would be better described as semi-porous brick in yellow latex.
In the end I opted out of the standard menu & started ordering from the ethnic menu. The food was much nicer & actually arrived hot.
I was going to try and identify it, but I can't so I'll have to settle for naming it instead. I hereby dub that offence to the eyes of Man and God alike "Cruel and unusual" and propose that the recipe be donated to those kind people who do shady things inside the CIA.
Red Bean with potatoes with wallpaper paste seasoned with the love & skill of the kitchen, very very bland. Printed the picture out and placed it at the bottom of my dogs bowl and placed some biscuits on top, the photo scared her from eating the biscuits. Stay still, keep smiling and don't forget to to order home delivery.
I don't even want to think about it. It's as nauseous as what is served here in Melbourne (Australia). I was in having chemotheraphy last year - I was already nauseous and feeling pretty bad - then they brought round the food. The food that's bulk prepared in a "kitchen" somewhere and carted to all the hospitals in the city!
I really believe that the dish you've showed is actually recycled - they collect it on the way out sterilise it and recycle it. A truly repellent look.
This is definitely the same stuff that my cat just coughed up on the back lawn. Poor Mr Traction Man....at least it's not green. good luck from Perth Australia
I feel for you - remember being trussed up back in ‘73 after a motorcycle accident - broken femur etc. Best bit was when I was first was admitted and they placed me “temporarily" in the corridor just outside the mortuary. The highlight of our daily cuisine was custard and prunes – no doubt to help keep us regular! Sundays was a gastronomic delight with ice-cream being served – with the obligatory prunes of course! A hunger strike by patients did little to improve matters - except that the refusal to eat the hospital "food" caused a few of us to recover from our ailments more quickly!. Looks as if not much has improved from 1973 to 2009 – be positive and think of this as character building! JG
Dear God, man, I hope you have friends who bring you recognizable food. You could always try the local fast food delivery guys, but "discreet" may not be a familiar concept for them. Still, a mystery-meat kebab sounds pretty good in comparison to diaper-sick/pavement pizza. Dear NHS: it is *cheating* to pre-digest the food.
STROGANOFF?!? But its yellow! And where are the mushrooms? Tell me where you are and I'll send some food. True, it is a long way from Oz, but the food couldnt possibly any worse than what your getting now even if it comes by snail post!
Hi there - having recently been in a hosipital in Melbourne, Australia I sympathise entirely. Now wishing I had of taken some photos to compare. I did learn from my previous vist late last year - order NOTHING with fish and entree size only.
Some friends suggeted ordering the 'mixed sandwiches' because you can't mess that up ... alas how wrong they were.
Cheers hope you are feeling OK and have friends supplimenting your diet. ;-)
There could be the making of a movie about this. The antics of a freelance journalist stuck in a hospital for 6 month's... Bit like the SuperSize me film.
"Watch how a man turns into a monster living on nothing but hospital food"
I'm amazed no one has recognised sheep droppings (obviously no Kiwis here) yet, they couldn't afford the meat and just took what was cheap as *hit but shouldn't custard be served with dessert and not the main course
Thank you! As a lifelong asthmatic, I always told people I didn't ever want to go back to hospital, because they made me eat the food. You have validated my point of view. People who thought I was a whinger are now expressing sympathy.
Also, when I was younger and slightly more stupid than I am now, I indulged in a few recreational substances. Often, I would cook myself a veritable feast whilst under the influence of these substances. They always looked and tasted fantastic! Being somewhat wrecked, I would always cook too much. The next day, I would look at the train wreck I had created, often find it smelled awful, and tasted worse, and would wonder vaguely why I hadn't seen the cat this morning.
So: My theory is the NHS is hiring junkies on a work experience scheme, giving them the good stuff from the pharmacy, and they are cooking for themselves, and you get what's left.
Hi Traction Man from Florida! I think we should send a pizza man to the hospital for you. Love the blog, Im going to put it on my Facebook page tonight. Hang in there TM
When I was 15 I had my tonsils out at a private hospital in Sydney. I remember commenting "hey, wow, real chicken floating in the soup!", needless to say I had a great 5 days stay there. Fast forward 20 yrs later to an NHS hospital in London. It's lucky I was only there for short stays for my two kids births and also a few times for my son when he had some allergy/asthma related stays. Fortunately Carluccio's from across the road provided me with enough sustenance to last the stays. I have to admit I did look forward to seeing what they would serve up at each meal time. I agree with another poster, take some vitamins! TM, you are a very entertaining writer, keep it up, pls and get well soon!...from Oz
Okay the mushrooms I can see, I can even agree it might be a stroganoff, but what are all the other solid lumps in it? Beans? Potatoes? Some kinda meat? Cabbage? The sole of somebody's shoe? A semi-melted styrofoam container?
As ever, the big question is - is it actually food?
Well, initially is looks like a veta curry but I'm stumped by the two pale kidney-shaped things. Could it be that someone has had their dog neutered on the NHS.
Anyway the idea of NHS meals is to get you out of Hospital FAST. So a long box or fleeing in terror - which is it to be.
This is just one of the reasons are NHS is the envy of the world. Don't you know that foreigners sneak into the country just to sample it (or is it the meals)?
On a practical Note & dealing with £sd your hospital should have a social worker that could help with the DWP. I know social workers get bad press But I work in a Hospice and the team there have done battle with the paper mountains that DWP insist in blocking claims with. They are not all chaps with leather patches on jacket elbows nor Maiden Ladies. Had one case of a chap whos pension was stopped while in Hospital ignoring the fact that his wife was still living in house with reduced pension and all the normal food heating and other bills The welfare Lady went into battle and won in short order If you are poorly in hospital the last thing you need is extra stress to do with Finance Get well soon and keep blogging Densnaps "northwestChampion bubble wrap Popper"
This is NHS lifestyle for food. I know prisoners in HMS prisons are served better food than NHS hospitals because as a doctor, I have visited prisons and hospitals. It is a good idea to admit obese diabetic patients into hospitals 'cos they will be discharged looking mighty lean and not needing any diabetic tablets anymore, unless of course, if they overindulge again.
From the small pic it looked like apple crumble (OK - I'm not wearing my glasses!) but after clicking onto the blog and seeing the large photo... well, how I wish I hadn't. x
Ah, my poor poor man... having myself spent two lengthy stretches for a near-fatal ailment last year, one of the every worst things about my incarceration -- er, hospital stay-- was the food. The first "meal" I was presented with the day after having died and recovered the night before was laughingly called a "chicken salad sandwich". In Canadian hospitals this apparently means grey tasteless paste glommed onto a stale kaiser roll. I was flat on my back, too weak to lift my arms, but managed to get a bite after a valiant struggle. It adhered instantly to the roof of my mouth and refused to budge-- either down the hatch or back out onto the bed. As far as I could tell there was neither salad nor chicken involved. I asked the nutritionist about it and she told me that they bring it in from an outside source "in a bucket". No further comment necessary. Godspeed. I am following your tale...
As a nurse in sunny Bradford, can I recommend that you ask to transfer here, because the 'asian meals' are restaurant standard, above is a poor substitute for the real thing. Failing that, order the 'asian meals' where you are! Less milage for the blog, but at least you'll get out of there alive, though given the time of year less chance of leftovers. Belated Eid Mubarack, by the way.
You must come to South Africa some time, where you will get the most fabulous curry! We also have a thing called a "bunny chow", nothing to do with rabbits, but it really beats whatever it is on your plate. Take care, from sunny SA.
At least it looks like it will keep you 'regular'...
ReplyDeleteIf you weren't sick already that would make you sick!
ReplyDeleteI take it is meant to be chicken curry but looks more like casserole got mixed up with curry
uhhhh...let me guess
ReplyDeleteA portret of an old lady?
I'd like to say Curry, but judging by previous blogs, I'm going for Sweet and Sour Chicken. Get well soon Traction Man, love the blogs.
ReplyDeleterice (duh) and some kind of bean potato curry thing? Are those flecks of shredded meat product i see? Looks like my toddler's diaper when he eats too many raisins.
ReplyDelete~WeeRobina (From Alberta, Canada! Where, by the way, the hosp. food is cold and disgusting but at least recognisable most times. Best wishes for a quick recovery!)
Hmmm. My first reaction was curry - but I think I see beans. Bean curry? Maybe not. Ninety year old Vesta vegetarian curry?
ReplyDeleteHey! Perhaps the caterers have now entered into the spirit of the thing and are trying to produce the most disgusting mixtures anyone has ever thought of, in order to compete in your Hospital Food Olympics.
OMG, is it really sure that you're in a british hospital and not in a prison far far away? If you send this picture to the UNO - maybe they can help you to survive this fobidden torture....
ReplyDeleteI won't say what this meal look alike for me...
Was there any meal that taste better than it looks like?
Stay strong! ;)
Greetings from Germany
There is no curry in this. In fact, no taste of any kind. This is one of the most inedible dishes so far. The tomato soup before it was adequate.
ReplyDeleteCurry or chilli con carne!
ReplyDeleteLord knows... if it is curry then maybe maybe it will be peppery? Oh will that make it flavoursome? Only Traction Man can tell us hordes of interested followers. Or is it coloured wall paper paste?
From Ax (who has had a much more entertaining week at home due to this recovering from flu)
@ Traction Man
ReplyDeleteDam it - was too slow!
Ax
Ah, the same colours as the previous meal.
ReplyDeleteGood God! Well, um... rice... kidney beans (hopefully) and baby extract (take your pick which end) on a bed of... potatoes(!?) that were found in the rejection bin of an extremely cheap vodka factory...?
ReplyDeleteIt probably is the previous meal recycled!
ReplyDeleteSome kind of bean stew?? I am really enjoying reading your blog!
ReplyDeletethis is for NHS kitchen employees:
ReplyDeletewhy do you always have to make everything into a kind of sauce?
a meal does not have to include sauce, in fact it is a lot better if there is no sauce and all the ingredients are separate on the plate so you can choose what to eat.
mushrooms: slice and fry them with butter, add just a pinch of salt.
get some greens such as rocket, wash them and sprinkle on each meal for taste and vitamins.
------
Traction Man, watch BBC animal films to get into a good mood. Wild animals have to survive in dire conditions, too.
At the first glance it is if I see two shrimps. But with some more investigation they don't have any visible structure. Maybe they are just round things. Or maybe even scallops! :-)
ReplyDeleteNow I know. It is a lovely seafood curry with scallops and shiitakes.
ReplyDeleteTM-
ReplyDeleteWas there anything in the curry/chilli/toxic waste other than kidney beans and potato? Assuming of course that's what they were!
(security word-Equatube; something vets use on horses bottoms.)
heard the intervgiew with nthe hospital food rep.,last night ,on p.m.He is based around scotland by the sounds of it.Which authority is traction man commenting on?
ReplyDeleteI've absolutely no idea what that hideous gloop is but it has just made me laugh out loud on a packed commuter train!
ReplyDeleteLove this blog, keep up the good work!
Jesus H Christ...I've partaken of some psychedelic experiences in my life but WTF is that....
ReplyDeleteBTW mate, as a long term hip injury sufferer I can assure you that Tramadol goes quite nicely with a cheeky vimto or two...three can be problematic...four = floor. When my doc first gave them to me I asked if it would stop the pain...she said, 'no, but you won't care'...how right she was...keep the faith mate :-)
Oh my word, this looks even more disgusting than anything i have seen on your blog so far.
ReplyDeleteI can see rice, beans and ahum white beans in vomited up baby food.
And i thought your lunch looked gross.
XoXo
karin
(security word: mence / according to google: MENCE - Skin Care and Body Toning Authority for Men LOL)
I think the kitchens have got a tin of orangey powder that they use to colour and therefore cunningly disguise everthing non-vegetable.
ReplyDeleteThat latest concoction is disgusting!
Keep smiling and get well soon!!
It is obviously shrew and hamster kidneys in a piquant armadillo gall bladder sauce with bleached lice.
ReplyDeleteJust how close is the pathology lab to the kitchens?
Paula
It looks like mixed beans. Awaful looking, by the way.
ReplyDeleteI'd prefer a Vesta curry to that anyday.
ReplyDeleteMmmm....vesta curry....
I thought it was a curry but seeing the red kidney beans.....
ReplyDeleteMy dog has just puked over my keyboard
ReplyDeletedue to the economic climate I'm a Celebrety Get Me Out of Here will no longer be filmed in Oz, instead it will come to you from a hospital somewhere in the south-west, you, Sir, have been the lucky person to do the trial food runs. Expect Ant and Dec any moment to collect your comments.
ReplyDeleteSuan
I am hungry ... i want to eat it !! But then again I do not want to join you in hospital !
ReplyDeleteREVOLTING!!!! Oh dear, I do hope you have someone to smuggle you in actual food!!!
ReplyDeleteThat looks absolutely vile. I bet it's kind of lukewarm, too.
ReplyDeleteI think they must have a load of very ill cats somewhere behind the kitchens, throwing up into a kitchen receptacle.
Hmm...let's see. Rice, obviously (unless they're using lice eggs...really LARGE lice eggs). Something that resembles kidney beans and umm...maybe chicken or potatoes? I'd say curry but it could well be coronation sauce which has a similar look to it (having said that, could be a really bad case of phlegm).
ReplyDeleteSo...serious suggestion - coronation potato (I doubt they're giving you chicken) with kidney beans and rice.
Not so serious suggestion - phlegmed stones of various hues served with a side order of lice eggs.
Have you thought about putting it in whatever they give you to use as a toilet and seeing what they make of it? (probably tomorrow's dinner now that I think of it).
Good luck.
Oh. I CANNOT WAIT for my stay in hospital next week!
ReplyDeleteI feel for you and hope to God you get better soon. This looks like something my dog hawked up the other day. Even the rice doesn't look appetizing.
ReplyDeleteOh my that is awful. I think I'm going to start coming to your blog before I eat, the pics of what they serve you are so revolting I lost my appetite for lunch this time!
ReplyDeleteOk, my daughter looked over my shoulder at the picture and said
ReplyDelete"What's the icky thing?"
Out of the mouths of babes...
I was terrified to look at this one, but under closer inspection is it potatoes, broccoli and kidney beans in vomit? Served with a side of white rice....
ReplyDeleteDefinitely spotted a butter bean! I love them...usually. Not sure butter beans, marinated in cat sick is really my thing though.
ReplyDeleteLoving this blog (found you via the Beeb) - best giggle I have had in ages!
Think I may be close by so if you require care packages just yell!
do i get points for guessing thats its actually dog sick and fly larvae???
ReplyDeleteOh they surpass themselves this evening!
ReplyDeleteWhat I think it is - potatoe and bean curry with rice.
What it looks like - a pair of testicles covered in a bad case of baby diarreahoea with a few blood clots thrown in served with boiled maggots.
As to your Hospital food olympics how about Shot Pud for starters, it appears that your previous serving of a supposedly steamed pudding would be a sure winner in this category!
Still with you Traction Man - if it makes you feel any better you have made an otherwise boreing and uneventful week into an absolute pleasure. You and some of the comments on here have kept me laughing my head off all week and I won't be leaving anytime soon.
Hope your leg is mending - see you tomorrow.
Linda Tenerife x
What you may wish it is - sautéd scallops in a light mustard sauce served on a bed of fluffy organically grown wild rice!
Right come on 'Spill the Beans' what was it described as in the menu.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait :-)
Good luck to you! I'm stuck at home with ms, but at least I've got my own food and a wheelchair!!! Been crying with laughter all week at this.
ReplyDeleteA small comrade-in-arms story. I'm currently in Canada, and was hospitalised last year for the first time in this country. I waited eagerly for the first meal to see if the same slop was trans-atlantic. Imagine the surprise when the cover lifted off and I recognised a chicken breast with BBQ sauce, roast potatoes and brocolli that actually held its shape. I smiled gratefully at the server, who said "don't worry, you were lucky on your first day. All the other days of the week the meals are crap."
And she was right ... the next day was one of those dog food "beef" casseroles that you can smell before they lift lid. I knew my husband was at the chippy, so I rang him and got take out instead.
It's quite difficult to guess what the lumps are! Get well soon x
ReplyDeleteone day i took my dog to the seaside...she was very exited by the waves and played happily with then running in and out of the sea snapping at the foaming waves......after 10 minutes THAT was what i was trying to hide in the sand....dog vomit and seawater...with chunks...obviously your hospital trust found it!!!!!!!....
ReplyDeleteI would say it was a Halloween mask, but it is a bit early for it.
ReplyDeleteDid you attempt to eat it Traction Man ?
I need to lose weight, tell me what NHS hospital you are in and I will bring you a box of goodies for the info.
Ness..xx
MUSHROOM STROGANOFF is the correct answer. I took two mouthfuls. For the past two hours I have been in agony with a stomach ache which is only just easing. This one not only looks like shit it makes you feel like it too!
ReplyDeleteHoly crap!!!
ReplyDeleteNo not my guess, just my reaction - although now that I think about it..........
That's meant to be stroganoff? I've seen stroganoff - it's not that colour.
ReplyDeleteHow can they turn stroganoff into that???
(suggestions on a postcard....)
MUSHROOM STROGANOFF???!!!??? Never. It doesn't look like that when I make it. It's got mushrooms in for a start, not beans. And tomatoes and other secret ingredients which I'm not going to divulge.
ReplyDeletegosh, if you sent it of to microbiology they would have a field day - do you think they have sussed out where you are and are trying to poison you off? I have been reading your blog, and i have never laughed so much in ages, do hope you get someone to bring you in something edible over the weekend bonnie, colchester
ReplyDeleteMy guess is you went for the vegetarian option and that option is labelled as bean and cabbage fricassee. Another guess is that it tastes as disgusting as it looks.
ReplyDeleterice with mushroom/prune stew??
ReplyDeleteI also havent laffed so much in ages... well done!!!
ReplyDeleteI have a good working theory on the cause of this dietary torture, which is:
ReplyDeleteHospitals now earn their money by throughput, something called 'Payment By Results'.
The title is, in fact, a complete misnomer because the payment to the hospital by the local Primary Care Trust does not actually depend on the outcome - i.e. sick people made better - but on how many people the hospital can get in and out its doors in any one accounting period.
Each procedure undertaken carries a cash prize, and there is also an optimum in-patient time that earns the maximum payment.
If you are out too quickly for your particular treatment then the hospital's earnings are sub-optimal, but if you stay beyond the upper time limit then again the payment rate declines.
So there is for every hospital, and for every patient they treat, a window of highest earnings.
OK, so that's how the system works and this is where the foul food comes in. For each patient the hospital managers assess the right degree of dietary horror to inflict in order to make sure that the patient doesn't get better until they - the managers - stop earning top dollar.
In your case, let's assume that 'lower limb traction' has the highest earning potential up to six months. So for all that time - up to say five months - they will feed you sh1t on a stick in order to make sure you don't get better and leave.
When, however, you come close to reaching the end of your maximum earning potential for the hospital, they will start to feed you proper food in order to get you sorted, out their door and thus releasing a bed for another earner - sorry, patient.
An alternative working of the same sound theory is that you have already exceeded your allotted time and they are trying to scare you out the door with this filth.
But either way, rest assured that food is being used as a weapon by NHS managers in the ceaseless war of making most money.
How do I know this? Because I spend my professional life uncovering the many and manifold ways that the British public sector plays games with people in order to keep itself in business.
They call it 'new managerialism.' I call it corrupt.
Cockroaches in yellow wallpaper paste served with maggots?
ReplyDeleteThat is clearly an NHS beans on toast. Tasting like the finest rubber lightly boiled in washing up water with random crunchy "bits" the origin of which can never be established.
ReplyDeleteGood luck mate, what doesn't kill you etc. etc.
Sod weight watchers, I think this may be my new diet. Just a glimpse of the crap they are serving you makes me want to puke.
ReplyDeleteI feel a pair of size 8 jeans coming my way....
BTW, after spending four days in an ausssie hospital with pnuemonia recently, I can honestly say that they handled the veg/gluten-free diet with aplomb- maybe you should transfer here??
ReplyDeleteThanks traction man I am currently on a diet and find reading your blog is curbing any desire to eat anything. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteSeriously thought this meal was the content of a baby's nappy
Best read in ages Traction Man..... keep em coming. Heard all about this on an Aussie radio station yesterday, we know all about you here!! Love it!!! Kitty ( ex Pat)
ReplyDeleteI did a little research (wikipedia) and discovered a possible origin of the word "stroganoff": Various explanations are given for the name, presumably derived from some member of the large and important Stroganov family, perhaps Alexander Grigorievich Stroganoff of Odessa or a diplomat, Count Pavel Stroganov.
ReplyDeleteClearly what you were served IS derived from a member of the Stroganov family. I'm sure they spared no expense when exhuming the corpse.
I was in hospital for 10 weeks earlier this year & saw many instances of this type of mush. I think the Coronation Chicken was called that because it was made in 1953. The sponge pudding with custard would be better described as semi-porous brick in yellow latex.
ReplyDeleteIn the end I opted out of the standard menu & started ordering from the ethnic menu. The food was much nicer & actually arrived hot.
Is this what they call Fusion Food???
ReplyDeleteChilli + Curry + Baby Puke + a side order of desiccated maggots = Dish of the Day
This is a new low!!
WTF is breakfast like?????
maggotts with cocroaches sauted in vomit?
ReplyDeleteWhat on earth inspired you to eat it???
I was going to try and identify it, but I can't so I'll have to settle for naming it instead. I hereby dub that offence to the eyes of Man and God alike "Cruel and unusual" and propose that the recipe be donated to those kind people who do shady things inside the CIA.
ReplyDeleteRed Bean with potatoes with wallpaper paste seasoned with the love & skill of the kitchen, very very bland. Printed the picture out and placed it at the bottom of my dogs bowl and placed some biscuits on top, the photo scared her from eating the biscuits.
ReplyDeleteStay still, keep smiling and don't forget to to order home delivery.
I don't even want to think about it. It's as nauseous as what is served here in Melbourne (Australia). I was in having chemotheraphy last year - I was already nauseous and feeling pretty bad - then they brought round the food. The food that's bulk prepared in a "kitchen" somewhere and carted to all the hospitals in the city!
ReplyDeleteI really believe that the dish you've showed is actually recycled - they collect it on the way out sterilise it and recycle it. A truly repellent look.
Previous Blog
ReplyDeleteLords of the Rings has turned this into "lord that has to end up going through my ring "
This is definitely the same stuff that my cat just coughed up on the back lawn. Poor Mr Traction Man....at least it's not green. good luck from Perth Australia
ReplyDeleteCor blimey, if you eat that make sure you take some Imodium!!
ReplyDeleteHi Traction man
ReplyDeleteI feel for you - remember being trussed up back in ‘73 after a motorcycle accident - broken femur etc. Best bit was when I was first was admitted and they placed me “temporarily" in the corridor just outside the mortuary.
The highlight of our daily cuisine was custard and prunes – no doubt to help keep us regular! Sundays was a gastronomic delight with ice-cream being served – with the obligatory prunes of course! A hunger strike by patients did little to improve matters - except that the refusal to eat the hospital "food" caused a few of us to recover from our ailments more quickly!.
Looks as if not much has improved from 1973 to 2009 – be positive and think of this as character building!
JG
Isn't this taking RECYCLING a little too far? Surely regurgitating last week’s (month’s, year’s???) leftovers into today’s meal is a little extreme.
ReplyDeleteDear God, man, I hope you have friends who bring you recognizable food. You could always try the local fast food delivery guys, but "discreet" may not be a familiar concept for them. Still, a mystery-meat kebab sounds pretty good in comparison to diaper-sick/pavement pizza. Dear NHS: it is *cheating* to pre-digest the food.
ReplyDeleteSTROGANOFF?!? But its yellow! And where are the mushrooms?
ReplyDeleteTell me where you are and I'll send some food. True, it is a long way from Oz, but the food couldnt possibly any worse than what your getting now even if it comes by snail post!
This looks so bad I want to run away from it, I feel for you being trapped there with that stuff ... God bless those who smuggle in real food.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it's supposed to be some form of miracle cure mind over matter type therapy, your mind will cure your body just to escape from this torture?!
Hi there - having recently been in a hosipital in Melbourne, Australia I sympathise entirely. Now wishing I had of taken some photos to compare. I did learn from my previous vist late last year - order NOTHING with fish and entree size only.
ReplyDeleteSome friends suggeted ordering the 'mixed sandwiches' because you can't mess that up ... alas how wrong they were.
Cheers hope you are feeling OK and have friends supplimenting your diet. ;-)
I felt ill just looking at it!
ReplyDeleteThere could be the making of a movie about this. The antics of a freelance journalist stuck in a hospital for 6 month's... Bit like the SuperSize me film.
ReplyDelete"Watch how a man turns into a monster living on nothing but hospital food"
Previewing at Cinema Near You this Christmas
I'm amazed no one has recognised sheep droppings (obviously no Kiwis here) yet, they couldn't afford the meat and just took what was cheap as *hit but shouldn't custard be served with dessert and not the main course
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThank you! As a lifelong asthmatic, I always told people I didn't ever want to go back to hospital, because they made me eat the food. You have validated my point of view. People who thought I was a whinger are now expressing sympathy.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when I was younger and slightly more stupid than I am now, I indulged in a few recreational substances. Often, I would cook myself a veritable feast whilst under the influence of these substances. They always looked and tasted fantastic! Being somewhat wrecked, I would always cook too much. The next day, I would look at the train wreck I had created, often find it smelled awful, and tasted worse, and would wonder vaguely why I hadn't seen the cat this morning.
So: My theory is the NHS is hiring junkies on a work experience scheme, giving them the good stuff from the pharmacy, and they are cooking for themselves, and you get what's left.
You've hit the news here in Oz again via this link. Into my feed reader it goes.
ReplyDeleteHi Traction Man from Florida! I think we should send a pizza man to the hospital for you. Love the blog, Im going to put it on my Facebook page tonight.
ReplyDeleteHang in there TM
When I was 15 I had my tonsils out at a private hospital in Sydney. I remember commenting "hey, wow, real chicken floating in the soup!", needless to say I had a great 5 days stay there. Fast forward 20 yrs later to an NHS hospital in London. It's lucky I was only there for short stays for my two kids births and also a few times for my son when he had some allergy/asthma related stays. Fortunately Carluccio's from across the road provided me with enough sustenance to last the stays. I have to admit I did look forward to seeing what they would serve up at each meal time. I agree with another poster, take some vitamins! TM, you are a very entertaining writer, keep it up, pls and get well soon!...from Oz
ReplyDeleteI think this one is the famous been stew curry that is a delicasey of the Royal Free Hospital.
ReplyDeleteWell , they do spend just 60p on a patient's daily food, £4.90 on a Police Dogs daily diet. We the patient are lower than Shark SH**
ReplyDeletewww.mtv3.fi/uutiset/mediait.shtml/arkistot/mediait/2009/09/955849
ReplyDeleteNews from Finland...You are popular:) Keep up the good work!
Okay the mushrooms I can see, I can even agree it might be a stroganoff, but what are all the other solid lumps in it? Beans? Potatoes? Some kinda meat? Cabbage? The sole of somebody's shoe? A semi-melted styrofoam container?
ReplyDeleteAs ever, the big question is - is it actually food?
Well, initially is looks like a veta curry but I'm stumped by the two pale kidney-shaped things. Could it be that someone has had their dog neutered on the NHS.
ReplyDeleteAnyway the idea of NHS meals is to get you out of Hospital FAST. So a long box or fleeing in terror - which is it to be.
This is just one of the reasons are NHS is the envy of the world. Don't you know that foreigners sneak into the country just to sample it (or is it the meals)?
Gordon
On a practical Note & dealing with £sd your hospital should have a social worker that could help with the DWP. I know social workers get bad press But I work in a Hospice and the team there have done battle with the paper mountains that DWP insist in blocking claims with. They are not all chaps with leather patches on jacket elbows nor Maiden Ladies. Had one case of a chap whos pension was stopped while in Hospital ignoring the fact that his wife was still living in house with reduced pension and all the normal food heating and other bills
ReplyDeleteThe welfare Lady went into battle and won in short order If you are poorly in hospital the last thing you need is extra stress to do with Finance Get well soon and keep blogging
Densnaps "northwestChampion bubble wrap
Popper"
This is NHS lifestyle for food. I know prisoners in HMS prisons are served better food than NHS hospitals because as a doctor, I have visited prisons and hospitals. It is a good idea to admit obese diabetic patients into hospitals 'cos they will be discharged looking mighty lean and not needing any diabetic tablets anymore, unless of course, if they overindulge again.
ReplyDeleteYellow bean sludge?
ReplyDeleteLooks like those blacky/browny things may be cockroaches... Hmmmm. Remind me not to require hospitalisation in the UK.
ReplyDeleteNow the rice doesn't look too bad and the sauce could have flavour...but what worries me are those white things hiding in there!
ReplyDeleteIt looks a bit like Susan Boyle. Before her makeover of course.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much TM. During the course of your blog I have managed to lose several pounds and drop two trouser sizes.
ReplyDeleteJust by looking at the images of your meals each day is enough to put the idea of food right out of my mind.
Thanks so much for the hilarious blog. Reading about your suffering has really cheered me up!
Look on the bright side though... it could be worse.
Scratch that.
by god! i just had to look at it and i already feel my stomach curling up and waving a white flag!
ReplyDeleteFrom the small pic it looked like apple crumble (OK - I'm not wearing my glasses!) but after clicking onto the blog and seeing the large photo... well, how I wish I hadn't. x
ReplyDeleteLooks like Whitney Houston has melted on u plate
ReplyDeletealways thought i was a bad cook... now at least my young son has something to be proud of (ie, he can identify the food he is given) cheers from oz
ReplyDeleteHOLY Mackerel ... it looks as if it had been eaten once before already .. YUCK - how disgusting!!
ReplyDeleteMushroom stroganoff...
ReplyDeleteThe bowels break wind and sigh
The mind thinks no way.
Haiku
Ah, my poor poor man... having myself spent two lengthy stretches for a near-fatal ailment last year, one of the every worst things about my incarceration -- er, hospital stay-- was the food. The first "meal" I was presented with the day after having died and recovered the night before was laughingly called a "chicken salad sandwich". In Canadian hospitals this apparently means grey tasteless paste glommed onto a stale kaiser roll. I was flat on my back, too weak to lift my arms, but managed to get a bite after a valiant struggle. It adhered instantly to the roof of my mouth and refused to budge-- either down the hatch or back out onto the bed. As far as I could tell there was neither salad nor chicken involved. I asked the nutritionist about it and she told me that they bring it in from an outside source "in a bucket". No further comment necessary.
ReplyDeleteGodspeed. I am following your tale...
It's not biological waste is it?? Looks like it got scraped out of an ulcer..
ReplyDeleteEgads...this looks like something my cat sicked up!
ReplyDeleteBaby poo, with kidney beans and water chestnuts mixed in. And rice.
ReplyDeleteStill looks better than the ready-made ones in Tesco
ReplyDeleteOk man, sorry for my comment some posts before, didn't see this yet! Yikes! This sucks. Looks like vomit.
ReplyDeleteL.
As a nurse in sunny Bradford, can I recommend that you ask to transfer here, because the 'asian meals' are restaurant standard, above is a poor substitute for the real thing.
ReplyDeleteFailing that, order the 'asian meals' where you are!
Less milage for the blog, but at least you'll get out of there alive, though given the time of year less chance of leftovers.
Belated Eid Mubarack, by the way.
You must come to South Africa some time, where you will get the most fabulous curry! We also have a thing called a "bunny chow", nothing to do with rabbits, but it really beats whatever it is on your plate. Take care, from sunny SA.
ReplyDeletehey
ReplyDelete