Monday, 21 September 2009

This isn’t a hospital

Oh my God! What an idiot I’ve been. For weeks now I’ve been thinking I’m in an NHS hospital, but what sort of NHS hospital would keep someone in for weeks on end? These days you can have open-heart surgery in the morning and they’ll be trying to kick you out as a day case before teatime. Slowly the truth is dawning on me that all is not quite what it seems.

In fact, I don’t believe that I’m in a hospital at all. I think this is a detention centre for annoying journalists that’s been created in readiness for the General Election next year. I mean, think about it for a moment: a broken leg mysteriously taking months and months to heal, a window with only a brick wall for a view, being tied down to a bed 24 hours a day and fed execrable food.

Then there’s the chemical cosh delivered at 10.30 every night followed by regular tops up throughout the day. There’s not even a drop of alcohol in sight – an action that I’m sure counts as a ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ under the Geneva Convention, especially if you’re a journalist. Cars run on petrol, cows run on grass, and hacks run on booze. Without it, articles critical of the Government will not get written. This media holding pen is all part of an overarching plan to engineer a win for Gordon Brown by neutralising journalists likely to be hostile to the Government.

I sense the hand of the Prince of Darkness behind all of this. Mandelson is gearing up for the election and therefore as many libertarian journalists, troublemakers and general shit stirrers as possible need to be taken out of circulation before then. I’m just a low-grade guinea pig purely here to test the facilities before they bring in the heavyweights like Peston, Robinson and that blonde Scottish totty with the funny German-sounding name on BBC news. Let’s examine a few more facts, shall we? What about poor old Keith Waterhouse who popped his clogs last week? Think that was a coincidence? I don’t think so.

Slowly this section of the institution in which I’m incarcerated is going to fill up with journalists who have the potential to cause trouble when it comes to an election. One by one they will mysteriously be taken ill and placed in this special media isolation unit. In fact, I’m sure I saw someone who looked a lot like Peter Hitchens walk past my door just the other day. I’m also convinced that the room next to mine is being prepared for Richard Littlejohn – complete with padded walls.

I wonder what they’re going to do with the most troublesome journalists. No doubt the Paxman Wing is being finished right now, erected specifically for television journalists with attitude. Could there be a soundproof room especially for John Humphreys? Maybe there’ll be a torture chamber for Andrew Neil (perhaps Mandelson’s not so bad after all) and maybe a deluxe Dimbleby Suite with twin racks for the two brothers.

If my blogging suddenly comes to a halt you’ll know I’m on to something. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


  1. You're right, TM. And remember that broadside delivered against the BBC by those well-known defenders of free speech, the Murdoch Family? Surely it's only a matter of time before all sources of information are tightly controlled and managed by ... The Ministry of Mandelson?

    It's all looking too familiar ... the Mensheviks are returning!!

  2. Poor, poor Tractionman....
    Although, as previously stated, the food is of similar quality (read slop) here in Germany, at least you can have alcohol (as long as it doesn't interfere with meds), hell they don't even mind if you smoke and if you have a balcony attached to your room you can smoke out there instead of the patient garden (but close the door first please). Sometimes it's the little things that count!
    Keep up the good work blogging!! :-)

  3. They'll need a big institution if that's what they're up to.

  4. Oh dear Traction Man.
    Paranoia? Could it be that you might become Gordon Brown's room-mate in the not too distant future. Otherwise rendition could well be on the cards

  5. A fine piece, TM. As Musclebear says, they'll need a vast holding pen.

    If they start talking in about "a quiet place in the country to recuperate", nail your bed to the wall.

    Onward and upward.

  6. You are on form today TM, has Quentin Letts turned up yet ?

    Hope you didn't pick up the infection originally in a hospital ?

    As Sooz says, onward and upward ...


  7. I didn't pick up the infection in hospital but if the original hospital that treated me had looked after me properly this would never have happened. I was left for ten days without proper treatment and then had septicaemia and spent five days in ITU on a respirator. I'm lucky to be alive.

  8. Oh if only you had expounded on the "tingle up your leg" that you felt everytime G.B. opened his glorious mouth. Worked for American journalists. Their giddy,fanzines gushed with the swooning worship of the girl who won the dreamboat date in the "Mystery Date" game. The clamor was so insistent I believe Milton Bradley issued a new version so that all the little missy journalists could win a date with that dreamboat Obama.

    But you can bet they are not stashed away in some Gulag sans Jack Daniels. They knew putting on those fishnets and stilletos and hotpants might be a bit awkward but heck it sure paid off in the end.


  9. I shall send you a bar of soap or perhaps a cake would be better, inside i shall hide a file! If the nurses look like something off Prisoner Cell Block H, you could well be on to something!

  10. "Traction Man said...
    I didn't pick up the infection in hospital but if the original hospital that treated me had looked after me properly this would never have happened. I was left for ten days without proper treatment and then had septicaemia and spent five days in ITU on a respirator. I'm lucky to be alive"

    Hi again,

    I am so sorry to hear this. There is a lot to read on here now, can I suggest you update your profile with this TM. Your critics might then shut up !

    Nearly tea time .... oh the wait ......

    Word verification 'meredom'
    You taking any of 'em ?

  11. Ah, now you have it!I wondered why they gave smash to school children & potatoes to prisoners in Durham jail--fact btw--also, a relative of mine is a prison warder & recently told that all the officers were sent for by the chappie in charge one day & told that prisoner xxx had complained that he hadn't received his choccy biccy with his morning tea that day--This was NEVER to happen again!--this is also true,so it all becomes clear now-them upstairs ie the government etc can afford to go private for health care, but prison is something they face if they get found out, onw at least has already been in, thus make prison as cushy as pos, get rid of all the nasty people like murderes etc, early release etc only leave in little old ladies who forgot to put their bins out properly etc--& then hey-presto!a nice place for the politicians
    In an effort to evade this & continue living it up, try to get rid of the main danger to them, namely free lance journalists-yep make sense ro me. So, how to get you out-well, you have a nice brick wall outside your window-perfect for absailing down, a quick shove off with the foot & in through the window bearing tray of decent fodder. Meanwhile, contact some 3 foot high moles (get those near Selafield) or whatever its called now, & start to tunnel through to you then its up, up & away yay!

    "Beware the purple bunnies of the appocalypse"

  12. So that's why that blonde bimbo called fiona left GMTV - she is in on it - her husband used to be a labour spin doctor, then they offered her a position and we never heard from her again. She probably was a spy from gordy, and is now part of the institution you are now in. Don't worry, Dr Hilary is probably about to do his rounds!!!!

  13. Who else do you think they have on the staff? How about those gruesome twosome from Embarrassing Bodies? Who would be camp commandant? We could have fun with this.

  14. Do you think Elton John might be in with a chance, at least you'd be sure of fresh flowers everyd ay and he is trying to show his sensitive side. Maybe if you dribbled a bit more he could adopt you and take you home. There again thatmight backfire and put you into a residential home which could be worse?! Maybe not.
    Take care TM and if you can't beat them join them - so maybe a bit of singing from your bed might get you an earlier release?

  15. Oh God forbid! I just had a terrible thought. What if Madonna wanted to adopt me? I don't think i'll ever sleep without having nightmares again.

  16. Don't knock it just yet. Have a good think before dismissing this, it could be the way forward - do you want me to start a petition to get you adopted by her, can you sing papa don't preach? Z

  17. If you suspect that men in balaclavas are drilling small holes through the walls of the ward you are in and another load are hopping about on the roof, it's the time to get moving. Get Swampy to dig you out quick but don't go for a walk in the woods or up some Scottish mountain and certainly don't accept a lift through a Parisian underpass

  18. They can't do a Kelly or PoW on me. I'm in traction. I suppose they could give me potassium chloride.

  19. Well personally I'm very much in favour of an institution that incarcerated (and worse) Peston, Littlejohn, and Brillo Pad!

    Hope you manage to escape before they arrive though.

  20. Youre a libertarian ( Now more than ever I need to speak to you face to face)

    Im head of the media unit for the Libertarian Party

  21. Sir,
    You are better off where you are now than a US citizen in the same situation. As an American case manager/discharge planning nurse I can tell you that had you been an American citizen your health insurance company (if you were lucky enough to have any insurance, the hospital where I work charges $1900 US/day) would want you moved asap to a nursing home. These nursing homes do rehab/long term skilled nursing ie wound care, intravenous medications. Your chances of infection, complication could significantly rise in a place like that.

  22. Libertarians unite TM :-)

    ...that is not as paradoxical as it may appear at first glance.

    Greetings again mate...told you it was going viral :-)