Tuesday 8 September 2009

My own version of a soap opera

Being strung up in traction presents a few challenges when it comes to bathing and generally keeping oneself clean and fragrant. Personally I take a cat’s view of personal hygiene and like to be thoroughly clean and tidy at all times. That, as I said, can be a challenge when your movements are restricted and there’s no access to a bath or a shower. I had thought about trying to lick myself clean but that was never going to be a sensible option since I can’t reach my toes.

So, after a particularly hot and sticky night I thought I might prevail upon the ward staff to wheel my bed out of the hospital and down to the nearest car wash which they could then push me through so that I could have the refreshing feeling that only a good bath or a shower can provide. I whiled away a few idle moments thinking about which wash program I should go for. Should I have the basic cold wash or opt for the deluxe version with under wash, steam cleaning and a wax polish finished off with a manual rub down with a copy of Auto Trader? On reflection I decided that this wasn’t really a goer on health and safety grounds.

Instead of an automated wash I decided to ask the nursing staff if they could give me a good old-fashioned bed bath. A bed bath is a rare thing in today’s NHS hospital. In these enlightened and cash-strapped times the bed bath has gone the same way as castor oil, matrons and starched uniforms. These days someone simply brings a bowl of warm water to your bedside, throws a J-Cloth at you and says: “Call me if you need your back scrubbing.” After that you’re on your own.

You can imagine that with restricted movement and a 10kg weight dangling on the end of your leg, that washing is more akin to taking part in It’s A Knockout than having a freshen up. So for this reason I asked for a bed bath, especially as my favourite nurse was on duty.

The good news is that I did get a bed bath… of sorts and the nurse didn’t make a bad job of it. In fact he was quite thorough. That was the bad news. You see, I hadn’t counted on getting the wrong nurse! But there we are; beggars can’t be choosers, as they say.

So here I sit with my scrubbed cheeks, feeling slightly more human and only in need of a hair wash. Now that will be interesting. Anyone with any smart ideas how I could enjoy the full salon experience from the comfort of a hospital bed should email me with their suggestions. There’s a bar of carbolic soap for the best idea.

12 comments:

  1. Given that you're in traction, I assume those "scrubbed cheeks" are of the facial variety? That begs another question.....does your crane hire pedigree come in useful when being hoisted (presumably) onto the old bed-pan? I trust you have a vitreous enamel version and not one of those hideous cardboard things made out of recycled egg-boxes. Isn't it about time you picked up a hospital acquired infection? The RUH would've provided one by now. Don't worry about Elaine, - she's fine. My God your mattress is lumpy.....need to sort that out before you come home.

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  2. I must beef up my firewall and turn on comment moderation. Does anyone know this bloke?

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  3. Not from that bleedin useless photo I don't.

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  4. Batiste dry shampoo, a must for anyone stuck in a hospital bed!

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  5. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it with your wash, that's what the staff are there for!

    Re washing your hair, I sometimes put a basin behind the patients head and use a jug, not ideal, but better than nothing :)

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  6. You need the EZ-Shampoo. Sorted. The company does a full sized bath one too, I think.

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  7. Shave your head, mate, much easier

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  8. whatabout one of em shamppos you use on dry hair, i know its not ideal by any means but it might feel a little better than you do now?... also a pack of wetwipes would probably be a godsend for hot sticky nights, least could freshen up a little bit... poor you it must be horrible stuck there... if you want to email me can get me on angel21ie@yahoo.com and i am not some crazy mad stalker type person either :P (nice pyjamas your wearing today btw) hehe :P (jokeing)

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  9. If U were in hospital here some kindly geriatric volunteer would wheel up a basin on a trolly and stick your head in it. No head massage, a la posh hair salon, but effective. And she would call you "Pet" or "Dear," which is nice when you're feeling like a cuddle from Nanna.

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  10. Here is Oz - sorry!

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  11. As a nurse in care of the elderly with lots of bed bound patients I've got the bed bath and hair wash thing down to a fine art! There's all sorts of posh gadget things around so you can have a shower in bed (seriously) but two staff, towels, washcloths and frequently changed bowls of hot soapy water work wonders! Can even wash your hair with minimum fuss - though the batiste dry shampoo is fine for a couple of quick clean ups!!

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  12. Look for a mobile hair dresser. I might be wrong, I know we have them here in NSW. They come and cut your hair etc. They even have mobile beauticians.

    Now that would be something for you to look forward to, they might take pity on you and do it for free :)

    Yvonne - NSW, Australia

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