Live long and er... prosper

I think I may owe the NHS an apology for having slagged off the food they’ve been serving me for the past couple of months. It turns out they were only doing it for my own good. There’s a jolly good reason why hospital food has virtually no protein, fat, sugar or salt in it. You see, food that’s high in amyloid-beta, the poisonous plaques blamed for brain cell death and memory loss in Alzheimer's, can speed up the onset of dementia.

Dr Susanne Sorensen, the head of research at The Alzheimer’s Society, says: 'Further investigation is now needed to better understand whether the way we balance our diet can increase or reduce our vulnerability to Alzheimer's disease. It’s important to eat a diet rich in fruit, vegetables and fish. People who want to reduce their risk of dementia should also take regular exercise, refrain from smoking and get their blood pressure and cholesterol checked.’

Dr Sorensen doesn’t indicate whether alcohol would be included on that list of forbidden fruits but you can bet a pound to a penny that anything with even a sniff of booze about it will also be on the verboten list. Just follow the Sorensen diet if you’re serious about hanging on to your marbles for as long as possible and not going completely gaga by the time you reach 50.

So, to avoid dementia in order that you can fully enjoy the patronizing way old people are treated, spend years in an old people’s home, appreciate your aching joints, delight in deafness, revel in poor eyesight and really enjoy your arthritis and any of the other myriad delights of old age, just stick to a boring vegetarian diet, take plenty of grueling exercise, keep clear of the booze and fags and don’t, on any account, eat anything that’s remotely tasty or enjoyable.

Now finish your tofu!