Credit us with some intelligence

Having just arrived back from this morning’s x-ray I’ve decided that I really can’t leave the hospital, even if my bones have mended. The reason for my reluctance to depart from this relative sanctuary stems from a report I read in this morning’s Times concerning mortgages. It suggests to me the world has lost its marbles and I'm not sure I can live in a world that's quite so insane.

It appears that the government wants to clamp down on credit, including mortgages. Before a bank or building society can lend you money the government wants it to carry out a full audit on an applicant’s spending habits and outgoings to see if they can afford the loan. The customer's answers will have to be backed up with payslips and copies of bank and credit card statements. The interview could even include invasive questions such as how much you spend on alcohol, tobacco and other frivolous items like food and entertainment. I can just imagine how the interview with the bank manager might proceed…

“Good morning, Mr Traction. Do take a seat. Now, we’ve received your application but before we can give you an answer there are just a few questions we need to run through under the new Loans and Credit Act (2009). So, shall we get started?”

“Now, how much do you think you spend on alcohol each week?”

“Well I probably buy a couple of bottles of wine each week, usually to drink with meals at the weekend.”

“Hmm… well, according to your Tesco Club Card statement I put it to you that the figure is closer to four bottles a week as well as a dozen of those dumpy bottles of French beer and the odd bottle of sherry and gin. I’m afraid I’m going to have to mark you down on that one. Now, what about tobacco?”

“I don’t smoke.”

“Excellent. Would you just mind opening your mouth so I can check your teeth for nicotine stains? Then I’d like you to breathe into this tube so I can measure the carbon monoxide level in your breath.”

“Do you have Sky TV subscription?”

“Yes.”

“What about daily newspapers and magazines?”

“I occasionally buy a paper on the way to work.”

“Which one?”

“What’s that to you?”

“Well, if you’re a Mail or a Sun reader, our research shows that you’re more likely to make high-ticket impulse purchases. Mail readers generally have a tendency to buy walk-in baths and stairlifts, while Sun readers tend to spend rather a lot on pornography, lingerie and takeaway curries.”

“Look! This is insane. All I want is a loan to buy a house. Why do I have to answer all these ridiculous questions?”

“I’m sorry, sir, I thought you just wanted to open a savings account. If it’s a home loan you’re after then you’ll have to come back when you’re able to set aside a whole day to go through the paperwork. I’m afraid the mortgage questionnaire is far more detailed.”