What a lying bunch of thieving colostomy bags

When it comes to having neck, British MPs can give giraffes a good run for their money. Some of our MPs are the most slimiest, untrustworthy, two-faced, deceitful, despicable and dishonourable criminals ever to suck on the teat of the public purse… and that’s going some.

Now, according to Harriet Harperson, the nation’s favourite voodoo doll and Leader of the House of Commons, the reforms to MP’s expenses recommended by the committee chaired by Sir Christopher Kelly, may not get implemented after all. The suggested reforms have gone down about as well as a cup of cold sick with our treasured parliamentary representatives.

Sir Christopher wants MPs to stop employing family members; wants MP’s living within commuting distance of Westminster to no longer have a second home allowance; wants the hundreds of pounds that MPs trouser each month free of tax to be stopped; and he’d also like to see the end of taxpayers funding second homes for these layabouts who currently have their mortgage interest paid for them by people who earn far less than they do.  These loathsome snakes often go on to sell their state-funded homes for a big fat profit and even manage to avoid paying capital gains tax while doing so.

Now it seems these parasites on the public purse are reluctant to give up their financial comfort blankets and have decided to throw their toys out of their prams. Let’s not forget that MPs are about as easy to pin down on these matters as an overactive pig covered in axle grease.

Despite promising that Sir Christopher’s recommendations would be implemented in full, however much a bitter pill it might prove to swallow, the snake-like Harman is making a screeching u-turn so bloody fast that I can even smell the burning rubber from here, in my hospital bed.

According to the Daily Telegraph, Ms Harman now says that an outside body, the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (IPSA), will decide whether to implement the recommendations of the Kelly report. This new “independent” body will work under the patronage of a small group of senior MPs – many of who have more than a few skeletons in their own expense closets. They will also be responsible for approving the appointment of the executives who will run IPSA. It all sounds fair and totally impartial to me… but do remember I’m on morphine and a cocktail of strong painkillers and am therefore liable to hallucinations and may have a distorted view of reality.

Asked whether IPSA could reject Sir Christopher's proposals, Ms Harman simply weasled her way out of the question by replying: “It's entirely a matter for them.” She then went on to add a particularly Madelsonesque proviso of: “But they will, I'm sure, want to draw on his important work.” Patronising bitch!

So it sounds as though the report that has probably cost taxpayers a few million quid to produce will be shelved along with countless other reports on removing MP's snouts from the public trough. Some MPs may read the report's executive summary before telling Sir Christopher to piss off, claiming that the new Draconian expense regime is simply too tough and will put off poor people from going into politics.

By the way,  just how many poor politicians have you ever seen?