Stealing yourself for a better Christmas

The Church of England used to be a religious order that preached the Ten Commandments and obedience of the law. However, in this mad and topsy-turvy world it was only a matter of time before the church flung off its cloak of respectability and got down with the masses to make itself more appealing. Not content with introducing guitars and tambourines into services, along with speaking in tongues and politically correct prayers, the church is now throwing away the Ten Commandments by encouraging people to steal.

All that nonsense about theft really is out of date in this modern and more liberal world. Don’t believe me? It’s true. Rev Tim Jones from North Yorkshire has advised his more hard-up parishioners to pop out for a bit of five-fingered discount should they find themselves a bit short this Christmas. No… really! Father Tim thinks it’s okay for his parishioners to shoplift as an alternative to mugging, prostitution and burglary. Presumably he hasn’t got round to endorsing those three felonies yet.

Father Tim tempered his comments by saying: “I would ask that they do not steal from small family businesses but from large national businesses, knowing that the costs are ultimately passed on to the rest of us in the form of higher prices. I would ask them not to take any more than they need, for any longer than they need.” Jolly nice of Tim, don’t you think?

Actually, the good father is no stranger to controversy and is rather adept at manipulating the news agenda so he can have Telegraph and Mail readers foaming at the mouth. Last year Father Tim took direct action against Playboy stationery products aimed at children. When he spotted the stationery carrying Playboy's bunny logo on the shelves at his local Stationery Box store, next to Winnie-the-Pooh and Mickey Mouse products, he took it upon himself to clear the shelves. I suppose that’s the modern equivalent of turning over the moneychangers’ tables at the temple.

However, those killjoys at the North Yorkshire police have gone and misinterpreted Tim’s advice on shoplifting by taking a pretty dim view of the whole affair. Still, it’s nice to see the police actually upholding the law for a change… who says miracles don’t happen at Christmas?