It didn't start off well

In cooking, poor presentation can destroy even the tastiest dish. Still, you can't go wrong with a baked potato with cheese and butter, can you?

Oh dear, not quite what I had in mind but then I spied the tempting little tubs of low-fat, non-dairy spread. I also found a plastic cup of factory shredded cheese. Difficult to say what cheese it was. The menu said "cheddar" but quite how you turn fresh milk into something more garish that a Liberal Democrat poster remains a mystery to me.

It tasted okay but nothing like baked potato with butter and cheese. I won't mention the carrot and coriander soup I chose for starters... you've been punished enough.

Standards remain good

Okay, so it does have peas in it, but this chicken casserole with white wine and rice was actually very tasty. I'm getting worried now... I've got to get a really bad meal or else no one is going to want to visit the blog.

Apricot crumble was a bit tart (not sure how a crumble can be a tart but there you are) and even the custard was less obnoxious than usual. Someone is clearly trying hard.

With this minestrone you are really spoiling us!

I've made better but generally not a bad bowl of soup. I'm beginning to get worried about this. Could the hospital have drafted in an elite squad of chefs?

Er no... forget that. Here we are back at the wallpaper paste pasta with sluiced broccoli and bitter peppers with the occasional crusty bit of cheese thrown in. Obviously this one slipped under the radar.

Not bad

This is an ocean pie. Very tasty with some nice baby carrots. I'm convinced hospital chefs can get it right if they try.

Unfortunately the chocolate sponge pudding and custard wasn't quite as nice. But notice how the custard almost looks normal. Someone's been tipped off.

Suppertime and the food is revolting

Starring on tonight's menu is minted pea soup. I'm not sure if I spelled pea correctly but given its viscous nature it could be some other waste product.

It's a pie, Jim... but not as we know it. Turkey and ham, apparently. The regeneration pods certainly heat the food up well. Shame it doesn't taste of anything. That mashed potatoes would make good caulk for sealing boat decks.

And finally, I offer you the 'Baked Lemon Tart with Custard'. I think the lemon must have been a typo as it tasted just like the baked each tart that I was offered back in my days of traction. I understand that Iran has reached an agreement with Turkey to send its custard there for enrichment and hence onwards to Britain for use s a weapon of mass destruction within the NHS.