Friday, 29 March 2013

The DISABLE Programme

The Rt Hon Secretary of State for the Disabled

Today I'd like to talk to you about a new government initiative which we have called DISABLE. This stands for Decommissioning of Injured, Sick, Autistic, Bothersome and Loafers Euthanasia programme. It's a very simple concept whereby we round up those who are, frankly, a drain on society and we offer them the opportunity to do the decent thing.

Obviously making such a programme mandatory might receive resistance from some quarters of society so we've decided to roll out the programme with a number of pilots starting in Scotland, North East England and South Wales. Initially the programme will be voluntary with participants' families being rewarded with things like a year's free council tax, Pizza Hut vouchers and the chance of a foreign holiday. We will assess the programme before rolling it out across the country.

I'm pleased to say that a well-known contractor has already been appointed as the main partner for DISABLE and all those in receipt of disability benefits will be called for an assessment to see if they are suitable to take part in DISABLE. Those scoring sufficient points will be spared the programme but those who don't make the grade will be put into one of two categories. The first group will be the "Unsupported' who will be fast-tracked for immediate euthanasia. There will be time to say goodbye to their families before being taken on to a regional DISABLE centre where they will be removed as a benefit claimant. The second group, the Death Related Activity Group or DRAG will be given help and support to move off the benefit claimants' register with one of our partner organisations. However, if they fail to progress sufficiently then they will be put into the Unsupported group and liquidated.

Now, some people will think this new programme to be a little heartless but I would say to that handful of critics that we're all in this together. The sick and disabled cannot shirk their responsibilities to the rest of us. Hard-working families pay taxes to support the disabled but the public purse is not a bottomless pit. Let's be candid about this, some members of society are simply not viable and no useful purpose can be served by keeping them alive and prolonging their misery while they soak up precious resources.

I would also like to point out that the DISABLE programme will have other benefits. The regional centres where lethal injections will be administered will be a shot in the arm for the construction industry. You'll notice that we have avoided incineration as we have no wish to breach our obligations on carbon emmissions under the Climate Change Act.

I hope you'll join me in welcoming this bold initiative to cut the deficit and to help this group of people into a happier place where they can be free of pain and worry. Thank you for listening


  1. Jonathan Swift would be impressed...not with the lack of societal progress though.

    Glad you're back!

  2. Glad you enjoyed. Will try to write more frequently. Hope you're well. Twitter @markgsparrow

  3. Just seen you on Sky News..
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