Expanding north of the border

A propensity to scoff deep-fried Mars Bars and battered pizzas appears to be taking its toll on the collective Scottish waistline. According to the Scottish Executive, a massive 40% of Scots will be obese by the year 2030. The growing problem will cost £3 billion per year to slim down, according to the SNP party, which is currently ruling Scotland under the heavyweight leadership of the lithe and lissom Alex Salmond.

So serious is this weighty problem that the Scottish Executive has vowed to intervene and use legislation to forcibly reduce restaurant portions if chefs don’t agree to voluntarily cut down on the amount of food that’s being piled on to diners’ plates. That’s right… politicians are actually thinking of restricting portion sizes by statute. Presumably people will just have to order two of everything if they want to carry on gaining weight or else take a friend with them who will order the extra portion and then pass it on to them.

In order to enforce the law, I imagine that waiters will have to start snooping on their customers to see if any of them is stealing food from their neighbours’ plates. Won’t dining out be fun? I can imagine a whole new frisson of excitement being introduced to a night out north of the border. “Quick! Taste this before the waiter comes back from the kitchen!”

Other helpful advice coming courtesy of the interfering Scottish legislators includes advice for Scots to walk upstairs instead of using a lift. There’s also the vacuous suggestion that people should vigorously vacuum their carpets or jig around to some lively music before popping out for a jog or some other more ‘strenuous’ activity.

There’s something touchingly naïve about politicians, isn’t there? Don’t you just love the way they think that they can sort the world right by banning a few things and introducing a new law? They don’t really get humans, do they?