Sex and orgies could fund the NHS

This weekend an article in The Sunday Times fired up my imagination and gave me a novel idea for solving any shortfalls in the NHS budget over the coming years as we struggle to get our country’s finances back in the black.

It appears that a number of stately homes and country houses are turning to the sex market to help cover their... er… bills. Apparently, renting your castle out for a porn film shoot can pull in a handy £5000 a time, which is probably enough to help plug that leak in the east wing and still leave one with change left over to replace a tired gargoyle with something that has a more effective spurt.

Now I know what you’re thinking; that’s a million miles away from the atmosphere of your average hospital, but surely there must be a germ of an idea here. The orthopaedic ward may not be a suitable set for a gothic bodice-ripping movie, but how about a sex and drugs party at the weekend?

Emma Sayle, is the owner of Killing Kittens, a club for what she calls the “sexually elite”. Her guests are electrified by the thought of orgying under gilt chandeliers, or in front of “vast marble fireplaces” and enjoy seeing naked bodies slinking around in faded Georgian splendour. “It sounds weird,” says a 29-year-old regular, “but I like to think how many people have had sex in these huge rooms before me — even hundreds of years ago.”

Now imagine the same sort of thing if all the guests were allowed to dress up in theatre scrubs or nurses uniforms and have full use of the operating theatre, the traction beds, or even the slabs in the pathology morgue. Now do you get my drift?

All those people who find ER and Gray’s Anatomy get their pulses pumping that little bit faster would absolutely love it. Stir in the temptation of a drug cabinet stuffed full of opiates and assorted stimulants and we’re talking about one hell of a racy party. Hey… we could even open up the hospital pharmacy for a Supermarket Sweep for those willing to pay extra.

Dungeon breaks are also a popular part of this new trend in stately home finance and involve dungeons being kitted out with the very latest S&M paraphernalia for cruel sex. Now I know your average NHS hospital probably doesn’t have a dungeon, but who’s to say that fitting a few chains and racks in the kitchens wouldn’t achieve the same effect? Plus there’s the excitement and the thought of all those patients who are going to suffer later eating the cruel food produced in the very same place in which one’s had a major bondage session.

I realize there might be a few hygiene issues with this last suggestion but I’m sure someone could give the kitchen a clean before the couples got down to their whipping and beating.