Monday, 9 August 2010

No more Mr Nice Guy

Well that’s it! No more Mr Nice Guy for me. After a life spent being decent, kind and honest, I’ve finally decided to shed the Mr Nice Guy persona and become a Bond villain. Let me explain…

For most of my adult life I’ve tried to follow a path that includes being very soft and considerate. I’m the sort of sucker who opens doors for other people and offers their seat to elderly ladies in the hope that what my mother told me was true. As a kid, I was repeatedly told that being a fine, upstanding and polite individual would pay dividends and that my life would be blessed. I now know this to be an utter falsehood.

The past month or so has brought forth so many mishaps and misfortunes in my life; enough catastrophes to make your average rash of Biblical disasters look like an afternoon at Scout camp. I won’t go into details but as I sit here trying not to cough myself into an early grave thanks to the mother of all chest infections, I’m plotting the rest of my life on earth as Mr Evil. It’s only an experiment but I want to see if being a complete bastard might turn my fortunes round.

I’m not a religious person but at the back of all our minds are the words of teachers, aunts and grannies telling us how the meek shall inherit the earth and how when we pass on from this earthly existence we shall have a deckchair in Heaven and be ministered to by beautiful angels who will feed us our favourite sweetmeats and morsels while playing the lyre for us whenever we wish.

Well, I’ve been thinking about this fantasy and have decided that with my luck it wouldn’t really go like that when checking in with St Peter:


“Traction Man.”

“Ah yes. You're down here on the list between Mother Theresa and Albert Schweizer. Unfortunately I have some bad news. Heaven is closed at the moment. It’s been extremely tough up here since the credit crunch and we've had to cut back membership dramatically.”

“What do you mean ‘Heaven’s closed’?”

“Just what I said, mate. We’re not accepting any new members. I’ve got a couple of places in Hell Lite going, if you’re interested. It’s a bit like full-fat Hell but without the heat and the raucous parties. Is that any good?”

“No it’s bloody not! I’ve just spent my entire life being trampled on by estate agents, lawyers and politicians, trying to be a kind and decent individual, and all you can offer me is a place in Hell’s annexe. It’s not good enough.”

“Well how about Limbo. It’s a bit boring but it’s not all that bad. I can then put you on the waiting list for Heaven and with any luck one of our members will do something naughty and we can shift them downstairs and let you in. We’ve got that Pol Pot bloke in here at the moment; I shouldn’t really tell you this but he’s on his final warning. You might not have to wait too long.”

“How many people are on the waiting list, then?”

“Not many.”

“How many?

“Couple of million... tops.”

“ So how long am I going to have to wait in Limbo?”

“Couple of aeons… maybe.”

See what I mean? I just know that doing the right thing is going to blow up in my face and backfire spectacularly. What’s the point? Why bother? So if the next time someone fails to hold a door open for you or nicks your parking space, it could very well be me practising my new guise as a Bond villain in the vain hope that my life will finally start moving in the right direction.


  1. Probably an allergy to the white cat you are stroking...
    Get well

  2. Afternoon ETM

    Sounds like you are getting your "fight" back - this can only be a good thing! Just don't go turning into a "grumpy old man" on the way!

    Best wishes and hope that your trip to Portugal is getting nearer!

    PS cannot believe that you believed what your Granny told you - however sweet they once were, Grannies lie!

    Cats' Mother x

  3. Chris in Melbourne9 August 2010 at 16:20

    Somethings upset you then?

    Gordon Brown opened up a Real Estate business?

    Remember, it's not over til the fat Lady sings, but I'm a bit worried about the orchestra tuning up backstage!

    Chris, shivering in Melbourne.

  4. I was feeling prety down myself today after a visit to the docs... but you have cheered me up no end... your sence of humour has returned with a vengance....and that will aid your recovery... keep it up XTM.... as for St Peter... I'm sure he took a demotion and now works the back door... I'm sure a few souls accross his palm will get you in

  5. All the way from 63 BC, we have Cicero’s ‘O tempora! O mores!' Don’t give up just yet, ETM. If the Christians’ fanciful promises for an afterlife fail you, a merciful non-sectarian God may just give your courteous and altruistic soul an upgrade for re-incarnation to a future when the younger generation will have better manners than their elders.

  6. XTM,

    am I to suppose, then, that you finally accepted the offer to join the NHS's quality assurance team?

    Just kidding, Stephan

  7. Bit drastic of you to change sex - guessing you were the posh mare who let me hold the shop door for her and her little girl while they covered their heads to join me in the rain - and then didnt even nod in my direction, let alone say 'thank you'.
    I would not like the company in Heaven - all those holier-than-thou people. Just as well really....

  8. I too was brought up the old fashioned way , with manners, consideration and respect and all my life it has not helped me one iota.

    Since living in Crete the last 4 years, putting up with ignorant , rude, selfish ( the list goes on) people, I have changed into a hard headed, no nonsense and take no crap person instead of the softie I once was, as living amongst heathens you learn to sink or swim.

    I rather like the change in me now, as I have learn`t that being nice does not get you anywhere, but I remember the culture shock I had when moving here, and decided back then that I would never allow myself to sink to their level, this train of thought soon went out the window.


  9. phew, who has upset you Mr'll be on that grumpy old men programme before you know itxxx glad you are back

  10. sweffling.wordpress.com16 August 2010 at 00:55

    I agree about not being meek. But being nice does get you places, most of the time! Ignore the cynics, don't totally write off Mr. Nice Guy. Just give him the occasional afternoon off.

    By the way, that villain looks to have thyroid problems - pop-eyed: not a good idea to add to your woes:)

  11. I have found that being nice and sweet to people makes me a doormat.... honestly, it did. So, I'm nice to people when I need to be nice and when I need to be a B****, then I'm cold, hardnosed and can be very cutting.

    But really, to look at me, you wouldn't think I'd have a bad temper. :)

    Way to go on letting your bad side out. :D

  12. Look, I know you're right that life is choosing other people than the decent ones to reward. I know that sickness, despair and bills will build up as you try to be nice and play by the rules. Not to mention when the general rule of nature is that those who kill all their competition will ultimately win. A more direct way to earn your way into the kingdom than making better grades than someone else if you ask me, but it's the same principle.

    I still feel the greatest treasure of life is building relationships with the people who deserve your efforts. As you strive to make their life easier, so will they try to do the same for you. As for the rest of the population, do as ye will but harm none who hasn't deserved it. Be the bad guy towards the bad guys, and make life a little bit more fair to you.

  13. If you have a chest infection its showing that your Vitamin D3 is not up to Optimal level.

    Wv slays