The DISABLE Programme

The Rt Hon Secretary of State for the Disabled

Today I'd like to talk to you about a new government initiative which we have called DISABLE. This stands for Decommissioning of Injured, Sick, Autistic, Bothersome and Loafers Euthanasia programme. It's a very simple concept whereby we round up those who are, frankly, a drain on society and we offer them the opportunity to do the decent thing.

Obviously making such a programme mandatory might receive resistance from some quarters of society so we've decided to roll out the programme with a number of pilots starting in Scotland, North East England and South Wales. Initially the programme will be voluntary with participants' families being rewarded with things like a year's free council tax, Pizza Hut vouchers and the chance of a foreign holiday. We will assess the programme before rolling it out across the country.

I'm pleased to say that a well-known contractor has already been appointed as the main partner for DISABLE and all those in receipt of disability benefits will be called for an assessment to see if they are suitable to take part in DISABLE. Those scoring sufficient points will be spared the programme but those who don't make the grade will be put into one of two categories. The first group will be the "Unsupported' who will be fast-tracked for immediate euthanasia. There will be time to say goodbye to their families before being taken on to a regional DISABLE centre where they will be removed as a benefit claimant. The second group, the Death Related Activity Group or DRAG will be given help and support to move off the benefit claimants' register with one of our partner organisations. However, if they fail to progress sufficiently then they will be put into the Unsupported group and liquidated.

Now, some people will think this new programme to be a little heartless but I would say to that handful of critics that we're all in this together. The sick and disabled cannot shirk their responsibilities to the rest of us. Hard-working families pay taxes to support the disabled but the public purse is not a bottomless pit. Let's be candid about this, some members of society are simply not viable and no useful purpose can be served by keeping them alive and prolonging their misery while they soak up precious resources.

I would also like to point out that the DISABLE programme will have other benefits. The regional centres where lethal injections will be administered will be a shot in the arm for the construction industry. You'll notice that we have avoided incineration as we have no wish to breach our obligations on carbon emmissions under the Climate Change Act.

I hope you'll join me in welcoming this bold initiative to cut the deficit and to help this group of people into a happier place where they can be free of pain and worry. Thank you for listening

Liverpool Care Pathway

I'm aware of the enormous concern that the Liverpool Care Pathway is causing to family and friends of those who are terminally ill. A recent article in the Daily Mail has now brought the matter to a wider audience. Read some of the comments added to this post of mine. Heartbreaking doesn't begin to describe it.

More mush

I simply couldn't resist sharing this culinary delight with you. This came straight after a four-hour operation. If anything could push recovery into reverse gear, this plate of food could do it. So much hospital food is just mush without texture and now, thanks to healthy eating guidelines, flavour. With lower salt, sugar and fat guidelines, most hospital food now tastes even worse than it looks. Sick people need tailored nutrition and high-quality ingredients. Your car wouldn't function if you put unfiltered chip fat or whale oil in its petrol tank... the human body isn't any different.

What is it about officialdom that can’t bear criticism or even the merest hint of publicity? Take Argyll and Bute Council, in Scotland. This bastion of bureaucracy has ordered nine-year-old Martha Payne to stop blogging about the school dinners she eats at her school in Lochgilphead, Argyll.

The mighty council appears to be afraid that a little nine-year-old girl might cause it a few problems. Martha runs a blog called Never Seconds where each day she takes a snap of her school dinner, writes a bit about it and reflects on her day. Now, I for one think it’s brilliant that a nine year old is writing a blog, learning to use a digital camera, uploading it to the Internet and sharing her world with everyone. It’s precisely the sort of skills we pay teachers to impart to our young ones.

Martha raises money from her blog for Mary's Meals, a charity which runs school feeding projects in communities around the world where poverty and hunger prevent children from gaining an education. So not only is she a computer whizz, she’s got a great heart and sense of civic duty.

But the council decided to stamp all over Martha. Argyll and Bute Council said it "wholly refutes the unwarranted attacks on its schools catering service" and then made the ridiculous statement that national headlines had led catering staff "to fear for their jobs". Well. perhaps they'd better pull their fingers out and buck their ideas up a bit.

In a statement officials said: "The council has directly avoided any criticism of anyone involved in the NeverSeconds blog for obvious reasons, despite a strongly held view that the information presented in it misrepresented the options and choices available to pupils, however this escalation means we had to act to protect staff from the distress and harm it was causing."

They had to act to protect their staff from the distress and harm caused by a nine year old? Are these people mentally ill? What sort of madness is that?

"In particular, the photographic images uploaded appear to only represent a fraction of the choices available to pupils, so a decision has been made by the council to stop photos being taken in the school canteen.

"There have been discussions between senior council staff and Martha's father. However, despite an acknowledgement that the media coverage has produced these unwarranted attacks, he intimated that he would continue with the blog.

"The council has had no complaints for the last two years about the quality of school meals other than one from the Payne family received on 6 June and there have been no changes to the service on offer since the introduction of the blog."

So, the heavy hand of the unions prompted the pen pushers to cut Martha off at the knees because it might upset a few cooks. Her pictures are unwarranted attacks on a bunch of turkey twizzler reheaters. Oh grow a pair and get real! The school, by the way, was very supportive of Martha.

Now thanks to an Internet uproar, the idiots at the council have reversed their ridiculous decision and Martha’s website has raised £20,000 for a very good cause. I doubt any of the school cooks are genuinely fearing for their jobs (although it looks as if they ought to) and this whole episode just goes to show what a bunch of complete and pathetic arses we have running some of our local councils. I experienced something similar when I was writing my blog in hospital and I doubt whether it would now be possible to do what I did. Institutions like councils and hospitals are becoming so risk averse that even a little criticism cannot be tolerated. This lack of free speech is the sort of thing that Leveson should be investigating instead of running an extended psychotherapy session for has-been politicians.

Over to you, my noble Lord.

Yuk!

I still can't bear to look at this image of what was called a 'bacon chop'. It certainly should have been for the chop but this was seriously served as a piece of protein during my ten-week hospital stay. It flies in the face of all the nutrition advice that the NHS propaganda machine pumps out. I doubt if anyone audits the quality of the meals, as the people doing the auditing don't have to eat this crap. If this food was fed to the hospital management it would be changed immediately. Many hospitals do serve good food, but it's normally in the staff canteen. This tells us much about the NHS.